So getchaself a nice hot cuppa tea, and....
(Hmm. It's a lot funnier when the animated gif plays, and the wrestler is doing a flagrant "CROTCH CHOP.")
i. go backkk to afrikkka
There's very little to actually discuss.
I had a dream the other night. I've not been having many dreams, but now they're starting to pick-up. Give 'em something to talk about.
I don't remember much about it other than I had bought a Raw Black Metal Album and it turned out the drummer of the band was Michael Pitt. Ol' Michael Pitt. He also played keyboards and did some "singing." The first song on the album was a pure Pitt composition, and was a 10 minute "song" of him playing "spooky, ambient" keyboards and reciting dark, evil lyrics/poyetry in a dark, evil (but also gay and hilarious) voice. The last minute or so was raging blast-beats and guitars and shrieks, i.e., more standard raw black metal.
I do wish I remembered more. I basically wrote a whole black-metal album IN MY SLEEP. This is not the first time this has happened. If I could be 1% as creative when I'm awake, I'd have a record contract by now. Or at least enough material for a solid freaking LP, son.
I'm trying to find motivation. Some people are motivated by money. Or power. Or social status. Or Pussy/Sex. Or Love. Or Acceptance. Or Respect. You get the idea. I, however, have had a bit of a challenge finding my own motivation(s). I've been quite lethargic. My "joie de vivre" has waned. I think "I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about money or success or power or love. I don't give a fuck about anything. I just want to sleep."
This, obviously, is a delusion. Of course I'm motivated by Money and Social Status! I've just temporarily forgotten how much I'm actually motivated by them.
Sometimes you just get dead days, I guess. Absolutely dead days.
There's only one thing you can do on a Dead Day, other than brave Careerbuilder: respond to Ghey Myspace Surveys!!!! (I've included these at the end for those even deader/boreder than I. Not that I would recommend reading them.)
I feel compelled to work on the Solo Project a little bit more regularly, re: Joie De Vivre and Motivation. I rarely got that sense of satisfaction from jobs. (Not yet, anyway; although I do believe that one definitely CAN get this sense of "meaning" from their job, or from education.) I have in my life experienced genuine satisfaction from education, for one example, but not consistently, and not recently. You just can't snap your fingers and immediately get to this advanced level of motivation. You need to work for them. They are their own reward. And I'm taking Steps to get back on those trains.
I want to find something else in the meantime though. Daily Extreme Brisk Jogs and Not-Drinking and Dvds are decent options to fall back on, but I do require a bit more. Being Immersed in writing a New Song really does give some honest competition to Hot SatisfAction.
It's kinda funny, because I don't write or play a lot, and I don't like most music. Perhaps the type of music I'd want to listen to doesn't exist yet, and it's up to me to create it. I've been listening to David Galas lately. He's been inspiring, because, like Moi, he goes the Solo Project route and is bored by a lot of music.
What else can I talk about, about me?
Fuck. I just noticed my New'n'Updated Resume has a typo. So the Chill Library Assistant Job is probz out of the question. See, I decided to remove the Months from the Month/Year denotation of employment periods. In other words, if I had some shitty driving job for only 3 months, it just says "2005". Not Feb - May 2005. You wouldn't know it was only for three months unless you did a full background check. In other words, I'm using sleight-of-hand/under-reporting to try to de-emphasize the Dreaded Employment GAPS and SHORT HOPS.
Well, the resume I sent out for that job yesterday had a line that said "2005 - 2005." God Damn. That sounded like a chill-ass job. Just working in a library at a community college less than 5 fucking miles from my house. No retail, no customers, no sales.
IF YOU CAN PULL STRINGS TO GET ME A JOB SOMEWHERE I WILL PAY YOU!!!
(Note: The job has to be within 30 miles of my home, or it must pay enough for me to live in a dirt-cheep apartment within 30 miles of the job.)
I have been in a really crabby mood for the past 2 days. [Wednesdayish]. I can't stop thinking about Libido and people I used to know and Superprozac. And fucking gay-ass Careerbuilder and this stupid-ass fucking city. I'm gonna try to rent some movies from the library, try to squeeze in a Brisk Jog, and go to fucking bed. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. This is fucking gay as hell. Gay as hell, son. Super stupid fucking gay. gay gay gay. I'd talk to people but I'd rather spare people my crabbiness. Unless it was someone I hate. And I def don't want to talk to anyone I hate.
I'm gonna go get some movies.
I've been waking up at 5:30 am lately and laying awake like a zombie for an hour before I can get back to sleep. It's annoying to say the least.
I had another dream that was really weird. It involved me trying to avoid a strange devilgod / evil overlord named "Marigold" who was leaving me voice-mail messages and filling me with a sense of impending doom. The rest of the dream involved me being some kind of "make-out player", where I was charming about 10 women simultaneously. I'd be making-out with one woman and then when she left the room for 2 minutes I would be AIMing and texting 9 other women, flirting with them, setting up hang-out sessions with them, so I could immediately go and make-out with them. There was this sense that I was in "young adults' world" and was living in a dormitory or communal house and was surrounded by makeoutwithable women, and by god, I was gonna make-out with them all, regardless of who I pissed-off.
Eventually the dream just became unspeakably ridiculous and quite uncomfortable.
I might just be starting to "come-around" from the crabbiness I've been feeling for the past couple days. Sometimes one needs to detach themselves and just observe themselves for a while. For example: "Well, I got drunk Saturday, and then I was a huge fucking Crab until Thursday. Lesson: Don't ever get drunk because it means you will waste your whole life being a stupid Crab." Learning lessons is never bad.
I have a reputation as a crazy drinker because that's all the public sees. So one might reasonably think I'm one of those garden-variety alcoholics. That I have bottles of booze stashed around my house. That every night I'm sitting down with a big ol' mug'o'whisky while I watch House and GET Housed. Nope, sorry to disappoint, but I don't drink alone, nor do I drink "regularly." If anything, I only drink socially, and I intend to back-off that.
I hate the arrival of winter. It's a pretty scary season.
The "Uncensored Post" is swelling'n'throbbing'n'becoming turgid with all the stuff I'm censoring. My thoughts drift towards the Censored lately, it seems.
As dispassionately as I can be: Practice girls, or Real Girls? (Given my proclivity towards the Really Real, of course it's a rhetorical question.)
If they had this movie at the library, I'd rent it because I haven't seen it yet and it looks interesting. Even though it makes absolutely no sense to cast THAT GUY (Don't even THINK his name) in this role. Maybe it's the inversion of expectation, or something. Maybe that's supposed to be funny.
I think I'm going to be a Womenologist. I'm unusually interested in Women. Even boring women are somewhat interesting. (Well...... Not Really.)
Back in Temps Perdu, I hung-out with women all the time and it became second/first nature. This made women "real" to me. I had a more realistic perception of women: Women Are People Too. When you go from spending a majority of your social time with women to spending .00000000000000001% of your social time with women, though, it is possible to develop a Distorted View of Women. I don't much care for that distorted view.
This doesn't mean I'm a fucking FEMINIST. Any man who calls himself a "feminist" is a fucking faggot. ::crotch grab::
When it comes to writing \m/aeusickkk, I'm a big fan of Sustain. I like to hit a note and have it resonate for Aeons. If I play the piano, I can't stay off the sustain pedal. When I play guitar, I like to turn the gain up all the way and play "sweep chords" or "arpeggios" or whatever you want to call them, so the notes each ring out for 88 seconds apiece. There's a wall of sound; more like a Fog of sound, if you will. I like reverb and echo and all that shite, like everything is being played in a huge cavern or cathedral or something. I like drums where you hit the snare and you can hear the snare for 5 seconds because there's so much reverb. It only makes sense, then, that I like cellos and contrabasses and violins and shit because they afford you the capability of BOWING them. True Artist!
I can't say exactly why I like these drawn-out notes, other than I feel it's exceptionally "atmospheric" and "ambient" and "Transcendent" and stuff like that. Kind of "Ethereal" and "trance-inducing" and "Spacey" and what-have-you. Diggeth.
I have to laugh at the term "AFC" ("Average Frustrated Chump"). This is a coin4ge of "The Pick-Up Community" which itself is sexist, immature, misdirected, misinformed, deluded, etc. Still, I like investigating the possibility of "kernels of truth" behind stereotypes.
Most so-called "AFC's" I've seen or read about have rather simple flaws that are:
plain and obvious to everyone in the world except for the AFC himself.
In other words, you could just grab them, slap them, say "don't do X" and if they simply didn't do X, they would cease to be "AFC's."
e.g.,
"You're not popular with the Ladies because:
- you don't shower and your entire body smells like an Indian wrestler's Jock Strap
- you suck dicks for a living and let people walk all over you
- you don't trim your nails
- you don't brush your teeth
- you're morbidly obese
- your Pit Stains are Oceanic
- you mother still dresses you
- you are incapable of reading the most elementary social cues and you ramble on with TMI
- you don't have a sense of humour and you're no fun
- you're not in a band; OR you have a Solo Project; OR you're not in a band that plays the type of music that's Popular Wik Tha Ladies
- your car isn't sexy
- the only Ivy League college you could get into was BROWN
...So you might want to work on that."
So it would seem that "Schooling AFC's" should not be the multimilliondollar Industry that it's become. But many men are Absolutely Neurotic about Sex-as-a-Sport/Game. This hangup is analogous to Women being Obsessed about Weight/Body Image. For the standardized test-luvers:
Pick-Up Artistry : Men : : Eating Disorders : Women.
Alternately: Being a Pick-Up Artist is a neurotic expression of control for men. It's their way of unhealthily overcompensating for a perceived defect. They take the self-fulfilling prophecy that originally turned them into an "AFC" and simply invert it to become an "anti-AFC." They feel so threatened by women that they Need this sense of control: "Yeah, I used to be a loser, but now I can Pull any Hot Babe, any time I want." This is suspiciously similar to Anorexic women who might think "I have control over the way my body looks - I can be as sexy [thin] as I wanna be."
As the Tom Cruise character says in "Magnolia", "Respect the cock; TAME the Cunt! TAME it!" i.e., CONTROL it. It's all about control. One time these "AFCs" felt a loss of control, and PUA is the rather vengeful way they try to get it back. PUA is a bit of a kissin' cousin with RAPE. Because, as every good feminist knows, RAPE is all about CONTROL, POWER, & DOMINATION, Not about having a mutually-assured Good Time. Well, unless one likes getting raped.
Anyway: When you combine this Conditioned Neurotic Need For Controlling the Cunt (A Sex Addiction, imho) with the other Powerful Cultural Rule that Real Men are Cutthroat Capitalists (i.e., "traditionally successful"), then it's no surprise "Ex-AFCs"/"Anti-AFCs" with furry hats are laughing all the way to the bank.
So the PUA Community is funny and fascinating to a fault, but I certainly never took it seriously, nor even "liked" it enough to finish reading a single PUA Book. After 15 minutes reading PUA Propaganda, I become decidedly less fascinated/amused, and more disgusted.
How does a Doctor prescribe a placebo? For example, let's say Joe Blow goes to the Dr complaining of constant thoughts of Suicide, and the Dr says "Hmm, you sound Cripplingly Depressed, here's an Rx for some Superprozac" and Joe says "Thx Doc, I sure feel Cripplingly Depressed. I hope this stuff works!".
But what if (and the reasons why are not relevant to this discussion) the Doc decides it's all in Joe's head, and that Joe would do just as well with a Placebo. But the whole idea of a Placebo is that the patient doesn't know it's a placebo! He's being duped! So what happens? Is there a "secret placebo code" between Doctors and Pharmacists, so that the Pharmacists know to fill the prescription with Placebo Pills? Could they charge the same amount of money for Sugar Pills as they do for Ridiculously Assrapingly Expensive Corporate Drugs? What if ol' Joe takes the Sugar Pills, and his condition worsens and he blows his brains out?
Doesn't "placebo" imply that Doctors are Duping their Patients? What memo did I miss?
MOOVIES
Leningrad Cowboys Go America: I've been an unrepentant Aki Kaurismaki fan ever since seeing "The Man Without A Past." It's very rare that I react so positively to one single movie, and say "I love this guy's style." I knew he was one to watch. The problem is that his movies are fucking impossible to find. They don't even have LCGA at Thomas Video. I placed an Inter-Library Loan and ended up getting a VHS a few weeks later from Cranbrook Art-School Library. (Fucking Art-school faggots and their indie/foreign movies.)
LCGA definitely had that Kaurismaki "feel" to it. It was even more ridiculous than TMWAP, though. I.e., even more silly and playful. You simply have to suspend your disbelief for this one, but Kaurismaki's talent is that he makes you more than happy to do this. There's a innocent, naive vibe which is pure joy. How do they fit 10 people in one car? How did they sneak all those Finns across the border? Where did that guy get that huge fish? Why do they eat fucking raw onions? Why don't they revolt against their asshole manager earlier? How can they get away with those fucking ridiculous haircuts? The fact that none of the characters answers (or even asks!) these obvious questions is part of the movie's comedic charm.
I admit, you either love it or hate it. You'll either accept it, or you'll say "this is fucking stupid, retarded bullshit and I refuse to watch it." My recommendation is to open your hardened heart and approach it the same way you might have approached a cartoon or a fairy-tale when you were a child. If the Most Hateful person in the world can enjoy it, so can just about anyone.
Nice cameo appearance by Jim Jarmusch, too. His association with Kaurismaki is never unmentioned, but the two do have similarities in their dry humour and their "still waters run deep" brand of humanism/heart. Kaurismaki might be more ridiculous/absurd/playful, though; and he definitely plays off people's stereotypes of Finns. Namely," who the fuck are the Finns?" So he creates his own strange Finns, who are both idiosyncratic yet universal. And eminently endearing. Kaurismaki is 2 for 2 in my book so far, which is a huge compliment. He has all the marks of my Next Favourite Auteur.
The guy has a great eye/ear for good ol' fashioned comedy. Examples: The manager presents the 9-person band with a book, and tells them to study it and learn rock'n'roll. The 9 people crowd around this one little book and then in the next scene they're playing their funny version of rock'n'roll. Or the scene where the band-members get lonely and look at pictures of their loved ones back in Finland. Most of the guys look at pictures of "Old-World" women with babushkas and whatnot, whereas this one really bumpkiny guy looks at a picture of a fucking TRACTOR. That's the kind of hilarity I'm talking about.
There's also some similarities to The Blues Brothers: A Ridiculous band doing ridiculous things and being very deadpan about it.
TWO THUMBS UP!!! I'm gonna attempt to Inter-Library Loan the hell out of as many Kaurismaki movies as I can. And apparently there are two Kaurismaki Brothers, and both of them make good movies. Hey now! Puttin' Finland on the World Cinema Map!
PERSEPOLIS: I've been wanting to see this one ever since I learned they'd made the wonderful graphic novel into a movie. It slipped under my radar because it probably played in this city the one week I was not paying attention.
So, I'm biased. I read Persepolis I and II whilst in my graphic-novel craze. I fell in love with Marjane Satrapi and ended up reading all of her books, even developing a bit of a "celebrity crush" on her. In short, she a bad broad. Cool chick. I saw myself hanging out with her and being friends with her, because she was funny, she kept it really real, she was not a "typical woman." She was smrt and independent and courageous and did I mention she was smrt and funny? So there was really no way I could not like the movie Persepolis.
It was beautiful to watch, the animation was wonderfully done, breathtaking at points. It carries the same sassy tone Marjane brings to the books. Probably "the books were better", but who cares. I've heard mixed reviews about the movie, and if I hadn't read the books first, I might have felt the same way. But if the movie encourages anyone to seek out Satrapi's books, then that's wonderful. She's one of my favourite people and in my mind, she can do no wrong.
The special features on the disc were great. Basically behind-the-scenes documentaries and the like, but it was nice to see Marjane herself at work. She's just as pithy and energetic in person as her books would have you believe. She's obviously more than capable of being a HUGE CUNTY BITCH, and I definitely would not want her to be my Boss. But I absolutely would not mind hanging out and having a few drinks with her.
With this movie, her star is on the rise, and I'm sure she became filthy rich along the way, and she might even become a household name soon. She does have the personality for honest-to-god CELEBRITY, and I hope she doesn't overextend herself like say Jon Stewart or Michael Moore or something. But I'll definitely be keeping my eye on her for quite a while; she's won my admiration.
WRISTCUTTERS: A LOVE STORY. Yup, I had not seen this one until now. Great story idea: a dreary afterlife for suicides. The characters and the laughs are pretty solid throughout, and it was not obnoxious and emo like I expected it would be. Of course I'm naturally interested in the subject matter (although some stupid boy/girl is about the Worst Reason Ever to kill yourself). I liked the Russian guy and how he was drinking constantly. Because that's exactly what I would do. Just be driving in my car, drinking a beer. Kudos on that. Having just seen "Everything Is Illuminated", I kinda felt deja-vu with all the Gogol Bordello and the Russianness, but I enjoyed "Wristcutters" more than that piece of Jewish crap, so whatevz.
So, it was a pretty good little "dark" comedy. Plus a lot more of Tom Waits than I expected. And I could stare at Tom Waits all day. He is my favourite person. I would like someone to follow him around with a camera and make a respectable Waits documentary. The guy would have the greatest "Reality Tv show" ever. Although it goes against Waits's nature to sell-out like that. I'm just saying, he's my favourite person and I would rather watch him eat fucking lunch and think out loud rather than watch just about anything else.
LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS: This dvd has been somewhat hard to find. I've been meaning to re-watch this for a while; along with "Beetlejuice" and "The Blues Brothers", this was one of the favourites from my Childhood. The Innocent Days. I had literally not seen this movie in maybe 15 years. I was shocked at how much remained familiar to me. It opened up a very real part of my subconscious. It was as if I'd seen it all yesterday.
This one is well-worth purchasing, at least for me. It's going to be a movie I come back to for the rest of my life. I simply love everything about it. This is the type of movie I would like to share with others. It's all-around great times.
Watching it as an adult, some things did strike me afresh:
1. how much the baby plant looks like the head of a penis;
2. how much of the movie is phallic/erotic wrt the plant,
3. How, when the plant opens its mouth, it seems vaginal in the most disgusting imaginable way
3. the Blatantly homoerotic sadomasochistic role-play between Steve Martin and Bill Murray
4. how breezily the movie treated the theme of violence-against-women, and how ridiculously gender-stereotyped the role of Audrey was.
Point 4 bears some elaboration: Audrey is the most oppressed, passive, submissive, objectified woman you could imagine. The very role screams "patriarchal misogyny!" in that she never undergoes an internal transformation into a strong, independent woman. She ultimately always needs the leadership of a man, whether it's the brutal Dentist, or the nonviolent and unconditionally-loving Seymour.
Well, you're just gonna have to cast aside your feminist leanings for this one. Seymour and Audrey are drawn to one another partially because they both have a "low self image", and, more importantly, they both subscribe to the idea of "the transformative power of true love", and they both need and complement each other perfectly and all that storybook fairytale shite. I personally found it to be a very touching love story, thank you very much.
The songs are amazingly good. Steve Martin as The Dentist is classic. Rick Moranis plays the perfect nerd. I love this movie, and as a grown-ass man, I'm not lovin' it any less. The movie was hugely popular when it came out, and it's a crying shame it isn't more popular now. I.e., it never gets talked-about or written about, and chances are most of your friends have not seen it. Maybe. It's my mission to bring this movie the attention it rightfully deserves. So Good.
MARGOT AT THE WEDDING. When I find a writer/director I like, it's cause for celebration. It makes it much easier to select movies that I might actually enjoy. Noah Baumbach impressed me with "The Squid and The Whale," however, his name kept evading my memory when it came time to look for other movies. Some time after viewing "Squid", a person whose judgement I respect recommended "Kicking And Screaming". Research showed that this was, interestingly, also a Baumbach film. Since I've been all about Holds and Inter Library Loans lately, I took the bull by the horns and ILL'ed "Kicking and Screaming." I also remembered to IMDB Baumbach to see what he's been doing since doing "Squid" and being all pally with Wes Gay Anderson.
Well, he did "Margot at the Wedding" in 2007. Baumbach, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Jack Fucking Black. I'm rather embarrassed that I never even heard of this movie until last week. Those names make it seem kinda high-profile.
I was shocked to see it in the library the other day. No holds, no ILL's, no bending over backwards. It was just sitting there amongst the M's. GRAB!
In Baumbach's films I'm seeing a vibe I like: Educated Idiots who Epic Fail at Relationships. And lots of Neuroticism, Insecurity, and Sex-Talk. ("You have Borderline Personality Disorder!!") Everyone is East Coast Bourge Artists/Writers/Professors. Adults act like Adolescents and Adolescents act Autistic.
In other words, I'm lovin' this Jew.
The blend of comedy and drama is commendable. When all the humour is this scathing and sarcastic and backhanded like Baumbach's, it's way too easy for the characters to lose their heart, and Baumbach gracefully avoids this pitfall. Like Andrew Bujalski, Baumbach's characters/stories sound abhorrently obnoxious on paper, and then ultimately pleasantly surprise you when you actually watch them.
You know you've found a decent director when you'd watch their movies more than once.
In other news, I have rented "Dead Like Me" because I've heard good things about it, and don't at all remember it being on TV. Maybe it was on one of them there premium channels 'cause it has swears in it. I think it was on during that phase where I watched literally no TV. Anyway it seems to have a bit of a cult following. I've been looking for TV shows to watch, because a good TV show can guarantee you 20 times the entertainment of a good movie: Episode Marathons ftw!
However, this same duration-factor of TV shows makes them an intimidating commitment at first. They need to grab me immediately. And the pilot of DLM indeed did that for me. It wasn't anything like I expected. It was a lot sillier and funnier.
I also immediately liked Ellen Muth. She is adorable and the character of George is wonderful. George is my kind of girl. Cynical and bitchy and sassy and not very "girly" and a bit "different" and smart and funny and weird-cute. I haven't had such a strong positive reception to a woman-character in a long-ass time. Even if everything else about the show sucked, I would watch it just for her.
There is debate on teh intranets over whether Ellen Muth is actually "cute" or "attractive" or whatever. She seems to have a tendency to look awkward in photos:
But she does have a cadre of geeks who are in love with her, who might argue that this non-photogeneity is part of what makes her "cute."
While I'd hate to associate with geeks, I think I might like her. Still, I'm no fucking geek.
I do identify with her character quite a bit, which is partially why I like her so much. She's bitchy and pushes people away and is full of ennui and disillusionment. She doesn't get along with her family; no-one understands her and she doesn't understand anybody. She had a great line about not being interested in anything because interest leads to expectation/anticipation which leads to disappointment. She finds life boring and disappointing. (Realistically, she should be horribly depressed and turn desperately to drugs and alcohol, but it is a [suprisingly light-hearted!] TV show.) She doesn't get along with people, she doesn't "fit in," she didn't like college so she dropped out (because she's too smrt!), she's hateful and angry and so not a Typical Amerikkkan Girl. She finds the alternative to kollige even worse: soul-deadening, dead-end temp jobs. (I was Really Impressed at how big of a role Meaningless, Soul-Deadening Employment plays in this show ftw!) She doesn't understand how people sell-out to become boring bricks in the wall. And in the midst of all this angst, she Dies before she even really starts Living. I like this premise. Plus she's not super-slutty and she's not stupid. I hear Ellen Muth IRL has a ridiculously high IQ.
"Muth". There's no way that's not Jewish.
And, to make a good thing better, the show is well-written, interesting and very entertaining. I was really pleasantly surprised, and I look forward to killing 20 or so hours with this one. Apparently there's a MOVIE in the works, and a movement is trying to bring the show Back. Not bad!
ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL. I expanded my movie-watching into a semi-social experience starting with this one. It's good to get out of my house. Anyway, It's hard not to be a Dan Clowes fan after watching/reading "Ghost World," and Clowes teams up once again with GW director Terry Zwigoff to bring us ASC.
It started out really funny, then, somewhere in the middle, it took a big-ass detour and the laughs disappeared. I wasn't too fond of that. Plus it started to get boring in the second half. I felt it became unfocused and there was too much disparate stuff going on. Maybe too many characters. See, the characters were all pretty interesting, but it seemed that once you started really liking a character they would disappear altogether from the story. Like the goofy guy from "Grandma's Boy", or the alcoholic failed artist and his Swizalitz Vodka. And, trying to turn the story into a "murder mystery" just was too much for me. It was reaching, I felt.
Verdict: a little disappointing, but still worth seeing once. Although it's a shame Angelica Huston was only in two scenes.
Will Ferrell's asshole non-step-brother from "Step Brothers" plays an asshole successful artist. He's got this asshole tom cruise / rob lowe cockiness about him, but even more overt. If I were making a movie and needed a Real Asshole, he would be one of the first guys I'd look up. The guy plays a great asshole.
K. VON CLASSWAR POYEM O' THE POST
Ok, I still can't think of a good Bukowski poyem, so I might as well "hurt the world" with this absolutely ssssssssssssssssssssssteaming specimen of Hack Poyetry from January 2005:
what I see
I see poor young girls
driven to (neurotic hand-wringing
and) tears
I see (tired and restless) young men
driven to (distraction and)
drink
I see
people broken
given
no chance
I see women with
too many men
I see men with
too few women
I see
mothers
with
their
throats
and wombs
slit
I see cleavage
in brains, breasts, buttocks
but most deeply
in men's hearts
I see
no past with progress
no future with promise
and
no present.
no today.
I see
no answers
to
simple
questions
I see ten thousand people
in one room
working
trying to
be alone
I see no women
dying on the streets
crazy, cold and alone
I see
thirsty flowers
wilt from water
I see
the unloved
die from love.
I see
everyone going in
and no-one coming out.
I see a mighty wave rising
with no trough and no crest.
I see a highway
with signs but
no exits
I see
no way out
of it all.
commentary: Oh, man. Busting out the ol' poyems is a great way to take a trip down memory lane. I Officially wrote my final poyem in approx April 2006, figuring, quite rightly, that I had done all I could with The Form. Now, reading them is just Hi-Larryous. Funny. (Bad funny.) I was channeling some Libido at the time. If I'd devoted as much time sucking-up to Professors as I did writing Angry Poyetry, I'd be in that Tier-1 PhD program right now. Misprioritization ftl!
Still, it was a lot of fun doing The Short Fiction Club of 2005. The above was one from the ol' oeuvre that I never got around to reading aloud back then.
I'm entertaining the idear of putting a little bit'o'fiction/poyems on the SIBHoD, since my Livejournal Fiction page, well, to say it's on the wane would be an optimistic way of describing it. I don't really write fiction anymore because my Life Itself is a work of fiction, but I do have some old stuff hidden away in notebooks that's dying to make its intranets debut. WAIT FOR IT......
This next part is the part where I do literally 5 surveys. As I say, it was a pretty shittastic week.
ii. suck my penix (gheysurveys)
So far in 2008 I have....... (Y/N)
Been on a date?
Today is a "date". Yesterday was a date. DAYS are dates! Everyday is a "date". So I've "been" on a "date" every date of this year!
But honestly folks, I've been on a lot of great dates this year. Thanks, ladies!
Went out of town?
I have driven through many suburban communities. I went downtown a couple times. I went to the College Town a couple times. Went Up Norff.
Got a new job?
Due to my frustratingly unique combination of "education" and "experience," I am unable to get any sort of job. Hence, I Must rely on Networking and Personal Favours.
IF YOU CAN GET ME A JOB I WILL PAY YOU A PERCENTAGE. I WILL PAY YOU MONEY AND MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE IF YOU PULL SOME STRINGS AND DO ME THE PERSONAL FAVOUR OF GETTING ME A JOB AT YOUR PLACE OF WORK OR SOMEONE IN YOUR "NETWORK"'S PLACE OF WORK. I WILL PAY YOU. MONEY.
Slept all day?
I try to get up by 10:30am every day so it doesn't appear to my family that I'm suffering from Crippling Depression. Ideally I'd get up at 7 or 8am. Normally I set the alarm for 9 and keep hitting the snooze for over an hour. If I did not want to Keep Up Appearances, I could easily sleep till about 1 pm. I love sleeping. I hate getting out of bed.
The best way to get out of bed is to have a cup of coffee sitting on the bedside table. It gets nice'n'tepid from sitting there all night long, maybe catching dust or hairs if you're lucky. The alarm rings, and then you immediately chug the coffee without thinking or hesitating. Then you fall back asleep, and by the time the snooze rings 9 or 18 minutes later, the caffeine will have kicked in and will make it easier for you to stay awake and get more coffee.
Went swimming? Most assuredly. I love swimming. LUV IT. But I did not go swimming nearly enough this summer.
Fell in love? Yes, I fell deeper in love with myself. Me and myself had a nice re-committment.
Been to the mall?
Wait. They're asking Normal People if they've Been To The Mall (at least once) this YEAR?! Jesus Christ! Even I have been to the mall about 3 times this year.
Read a book?
I don't actually read books anymore. I skim through them and read only the most important parts. I have done that with a good number of books, though. Nonfiction. I don't go near fiction. None of the Books really stands out, though. But I did kinda like "Why Can't I Fall In Love" By Rabbi Shmuley (Note to TLC: Bring back "Shalom in the Home"!!!), and "How to Stop Drinking" and "How To Stop Hating Everyone and Everything."
Gotten in an argument w/someone?
Surprisingly, nothing serious. Just your standard friendly disagreements on movies and music and politics and beliefs etc etc.
Been drunk? Jesus Christ. Yeah, MOM, but I'm trying to Cut Back.
Been to a party?
A couple. The partying has dropped off recently, though. I wouldn't mind going to a few more Cool Parties, though. You know. The ones with Fun. I'm a bit wary of the Halloween Party Season, though.
Gotten a new pet?
HALE no. I don't even have an old pet. I like to play with other people's pets, though. Unless They're Asshole Dogs who bite me and bite holes in all my clothes.
Danced?
Only a tragically minimal amount - not nearly enough to my liking. I much prefer Dance Parties to Dance Clubs, although a good dance party can sometimes be hard to find.
Made a major purchase? I bought a $30 dvd player. That has been the most major purchase I've made in aeons. Such a good buy!
Gotten a new hobby?
I briefly picked up drawing. It was really difficult, though, so I quit. I'm contemplating a move to "photography." PhotoGraphic Novel ftw!
Been pregnant? I just got back from having an ABORTION. I get the next one for free!
Gotten married?
I DIVORCED my BITCH WIFE because she was BORING, NO FUN, DUMB, and was terrible at making-out. What a dumb, boring vacuumhead. Next time, I'm sticking with the Bride-in-a-Box.
Done drugs? Now there's an appropriate question! I would pass a fucking HAIR TEST right now.
Gotten a new computer?
I wouldn't mind getting a new computer. This one is old as shit and very clunky. It's got a huge hard drive for Torture Porn, though.
Stayed over at someones house?
Yes, I apologize for getting drunk and staying over at people's houses. Turning over a new leaf here.
Been sick?
Not other than the chlamydia I got from all the High-School Girls I had S.E.X. with. They didn't seem to mind.
Resolved a conflict? There's been talks.
Been to a concert?
Not so much. Nunslaughter. Search The City. Flesh Eating Flesh. I missed some good shows, though: Tom Waits, Mark Kozelek, At The Gates. No-one ever comes to this stupid state though. Gay.
Won an award? [Censored]
Found a new favorite restaraunt? I occasionally demand that people drive me to Del Taco.
Other Random stuff...
What did you do on New Years Eve?
I got raging, raging drunk off of expensive microbrew beer. I later became superobnoxious and very standoffish. I then spent the rest of the night outside smoking cigarettes by myself and muttering something about it "being colder than a nigger's balls." There was an awful snowstorm. Then I fell asleep on a bed of cushions someone had nicely prepared for me, and in the morning I ate the best omelet I have ever eaten.
Did you kiss someone at midnight? I hugged a couple of dudes, if that's what "kiss someone" means.
Did you have a resolution? What was it? Get into a Harvard PhD program and then go make fun of all the intellectual inferiors at UPenn
Seen any good movies this year? Which?
At the Theatre? Nothing as momentous as INLAND EMPIRE X 5 last year. I re-watched a lot of old classics, though. I recommended "I STAND ALONE" to everyone I know. I don't think any of them watched it. (Yeah yeah I know it's not on Netflix!)
Taken any good pictures yet?
I take a mean twilight picture.
REAL. ARTISTIC. PHOTOGRAPHER. FTW.
Have you had your picture taken? Too many times.
Name one material possession you have wanted this year? A little place to call my own 'n' try to fix up, start a brand new day.
Have you been happy or down for the most part of 2008 so far?
Nothing that a Megadose of Good Ol' Fashioned Superprozac can't handle!
Gotten anything pierced or tattooed? No, I'm not a FUCKING VACUUMHEADED IDIOT.
Have you had a birthday yet?
Not yet. This will happen next month. I'm gonna get obnoxiously drunk, embarrass/alienate my friends, and make-out with girls ftw.
How old are you now? 25 going on about 15. Honestly.
Any big plans for this year?
Start Up one of my many non-sexual Hooker Services. (Talking Hookers, Hang-Out Hookers, Make-Out Hookers, Cuddle Hookers, Hug Hookers, Hand-Holding Hookers, Text-Message Hookers, Coffee Hookers, Movie Hookers, etc.)
Don't steal my Movie Hooker Idea, btw, or I'll kill you in a drunken car wreck.
Planning on going on a vacation?
Yes, the capital city of Turkmenistan. I don't recall the name. I think it begins with an "I." Or maybe not.
If so where?
Get the fuck outta here. Idiots. Vacation. Come on. In the REAL WORLD, you don't go on vacation. REAL PEOPLE go to WORK for 40 years, then get screwed, and die.
That was such a boring fucking survey I didn't even feel like trying to be funny. And yet it was still more fun than CareerBuilder. Honestly.
IF YOU PULL SOME STRINGS AND GET ME A JOB I WILL PAY YOU. I'LL BUY YOU DINNER EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH.
I am so sick of "polishing up" the resume and cover letter and references, to no avail. Getting interviews, getting nervous, sometimes bombing them, sometimes having a good feeling about them, but the end result is always the same: No Job For You. I've become better at interviews, and my materials are the strongest they've ever been, and I've mastered the Unicru. Yet this confidence has not translated into Actual Success. Jesus Fucking Christ. PULL SOME STRINGS FOR ME AND I WILL PAY YOU DEARLY.
There's more to do than just go to bars when you're an adult. You can go to "community events" and lectures and learn how to squat-dance or juggle flaming chainsaws, for one. These are the types of things I'd like to start doing.
Blargh. I'm just feeling all-around shitty today. I feel like laying down and watching tv, maybe taking a nap. I don't even feel like looking at Careerbuilder. Fuck it. I went walking around outside earlier and it was too cold. And now I'm just feeling pretty Blarrgh. Maybe it's S.A.D.
This is just weird. I'm not angry or hateful or anything, I'm just blarrrrgh and numb and I feel like getting into bed for the next 18 hours or so. Then, however, it would appear that I have Crippling Depression, which is certainly not the case. I just sometimes like the idea of laying in bed for 18 hours.
Sometimes I also like the idea of taking a Ghey 242-Question Survey rather than looking at Ghey jobs and changing the format of my resume.
I don't Totes-Understand people with Joie-De-Vivre, but I Especially don't understand people who live in small hick towns in the middle of BFE who have Joie-De-Vivre. If I lived in some freaking bumfuck hick bumpkin middle-of-nowhere east bumblefuck town where there was a population of less than10,000 and there were even more fat and old and dumb and boring and ugly people than there are around Here, I just don't know what I'd do with myself. Eat myself to death on fried chicken, I suppose, and buy hookers on credit.
I'm feeling so blase, I don't even feel like writing Mr. Blackhearts. Or A Ridiculous Fictional Break-Up Argument. I just laboriously applied for a Community College Job where I can hopefully make 9 bucks an hour not selling shit and not talking to assholes on the phone all day. (See Resume Typo Lament above) Praise the Lord. So I'll do a 75 Question Survey to Reward myself.
75 Questions You've Probably Never Been Asked
1. First thing you wash in the shower?
MY COCK. Really, I generally wash my hair first. Well, technically my hands, since I don't want to wash my hair with dirty hands.
2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
I don't even have one hoodie, but if I did, It would hopefully be black like my previous hoodies. Or it would endorse some outrageously L337 University. Like Morehouse.
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I would rather make-out with my Hand than with most women. They could really stand to learn a thing or two.
4.Do you plan outfits?
a. I put on a pair of pants that I did not wear the previous day.
b. Then I try to put something on my upper torso that screams "S.E.X.: I AM A SEXUALLY ACTIVE MAN." c. Then I get frustrated trying to find such a thing, and vow that I will go Shopping and buy something that screams "SEX!" but
d. then I think about the mall and retail stores and think "Ehhhhhhhhh, I think I'd rather spend all day on CareerBuilder or Unicru tests."
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Pretty bleeaarrrgh. Lethargic. Anomic. Ennuic. I wish I had my car and could go to the Library and rent movies because I've actually watched all the movies (and HOUSE) which I currently have.
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
There is a red ribbon on this Xmas wreath that is hanging on the wall about 4 feet away. I have no idea why there is an Xmas wreath there.
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
I'd probably say the word "Aim" or perhaps the phrase "Instant Messanger." I have not used Instant Messaging in years, however. Everyone I wouldn't mind talking to does not really use it either. I like gchat because it's more "adult" and "professional" and not "gay". But I never really feel like talking to anyone on that.
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? See above. Michael Pitt in a black-metal band.
9. Did you meet anybody new today? Absolutely not.
11. Do you floss? No shit. If you don't floss, you get mad halitosis. Although that wouldn't be bad for ensuring #10. Which was [Censored].
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
cole slaw, sauerkraut (or KAPUSTA as we like to call it), kielbasa, mostepicfarts ever
13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
I actually sent an AIM message about a month ago. That galvanized my decision to never use AIM again.
14. Are you emotional? I'm a MAN. Emotions are for faggots, women, and other COCKSUCKERS.
15. Would you dance to the taco song?
I still don't know wtf the taco song is. Probably some siphilitic middle-school sex thing. Well. I do like tacos, and I do like dancing, but I don't like most songs. So my dancing would be very situation-dependent.
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Does Counting To 1,000 Days Count?
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? This person clearly suffers from All-Or-Nothing Thinking and Debilitating Mongoloidsim.
18. Do you like your hair?
Shit yeah. My hair is WHITE HOT. I just wish it'were a little longer. And sometimes it gets unfortunately unruly around the sides. But for the most part, I'm happy.
19. Do you like yourself?
I'm in Obsessional Love with myself. I make Narcissus look like.....mother teresa? I MAKE-OUT WITH THE MIRROR.
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? Duuuh. Who hasn't.
21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Don't even make me make a remark about Thighs or Buttocks. But I do enjoy the Dairy Product in moderation. Try it with Fried Pasta for a titillating experience!
22. What are you listening to right now? I am honestly listening to LYCIA right now because I am THAT cool.
23. How many countries have you visited? I'm pretty sure I've technically been in 6 countries. Not bad, uh?
24. Are your parents strict?
When I was young I felt they were ungetawaywithably strict, but now I feel they weren't strict enough. Or, to be more "nuanced," they were strict where being lenient would have been best, and lenient where being Strict would have been best. No point playing The Blame Game, though.
25. Would you go sky diving? Sounds pretty gay. What's in it for me?
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Who wouldn't? He could probably help get me a hella good-paying job. Then I'd be up to my eyeballs in fuzz. Son.
27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
Does this have something to do with the idea that I'm eating dinner with him, and thus throwing (raw? mashed? au gratin?) potatoes at him would somehow make sense, as opposed to throwing, say, tomatoes, or steaks, or shoes, or anything that could be thrown, meal-related, or otherwise? If I intended to inflict physical damage on him, then there are much more effective methods. And if I did that, I probably could not tap into his professional network or use him as a reference. So no. Ass Hole.
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
There is a piece of aluminum which is "shiny." But because I'm a straight man, I don't abide any sparkles in my house.
29. Have you ever been in a castle? White Castle. GIMME CONDIMENTS.
30. Do you rent movies often? I usually have no less than 5 to 10 movies rented at any given moment.
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
I haven't had a math class since I was 19. Some J.A.P. from Newton, Mass, probably sat behind me.
32. Have you made a prank phone call?
I think I did one of those Arnold Schwarzenegger "Sound Board" prank calls once, but the person hung up after a few seconds. It was pretty gay and boring and I didn't have fun doing it. I much prefer listening to other people make prank calls.
33. Do you own a gun?
I thought about getting a ridiculous gun like an AK or an M-16 or a 357 magnum just because they are badass. But they are also pretty expensive. And it'd honestly just collect dust because I'm not into hunting or shooting, nor do I typically get along with hunting/shooting enthusiasts.
34. Can you count backwards from 74? I have a Degree from a "Public Ivy!"
35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
I really hope that's not a sex question. I'm gonna be with myself. And Drs Wilson, Cuddy, Cameron, Chase, Foreman and HOUSE NEW EPISODE FTW!!!!!!
36. Brown or white eggs? It's all the same colour on the inside. UH-HUH.
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? I truthfully do not. Although if they sell BURZUM shirts I'd get one of those. And tell people I got it from an underground independent record store in Cleveland or something.
38. Ever been on a train?
I have been on commuter trains and subways. But not any Amtrackish long-distance passenger trains.
39. Ever been in love? Could you rephrase the question?
40. Do you have a cell-phone? Was this test written in early 2006 or something?
41. Are you too forgiving? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not. It's all up to the ol' Sinister Libido.
42. Do you use chap stick? Fuckin A Right I do! You know who doesn't? AFC's!
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
Getting up at 10:30 am, agonizing over Careerbuilder, writing some SIBHoD, watching some Tv and dvds.
44. Can you use chop sticks? Not precisely the way they were intended.
45. Ever have cream puffs?
Yeah I did one of those on your SLUTTY VACUUMHEAD GIRLFRIEND the other night.
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
I don't suppose this question could have possibly been about a movie that wasn't horrendously godawful because this survey was written by a SLUTTY VACUUMHEAD GIRL.
47. What was the last question you asked? I have no need to remember.
48. What was the last CD you bought?
Now that's interesting. I'm pretty sure it was in Summer 2005. Probably Tom Waits, probably "Franks Wild Years" or "Alice" from the used record store.
49. Boys or girls? Shut your fucking fuckhole fuckslut.
50. What is your bus number for school? wontevendignifythatwitharesponse
51. Is your hair curly? very str8 thx
52. Last time you cried?
Road rage. I get uncontrollably emotional whilst driving 3-5 pm. Tears of Rage.
God damn, I'm fuggin awesome.
53. Ever walked into a wall?
I have. It's waaay funnier when other people do it.
54. Do looks matter?
Hale No! I could totally get-it-up to someone Stupid, Ugly, and Boring if she had a really Great personality. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
No, but if they happened to have something on xtra-sale that screamed "S.E.X." maybe I would. But I'd lie and say I got it somewhere else, because only AFC's who don't know how to dress like they have S.E.X. shop at Pacsun.
56. Have you ever slapped someone? I slapped my last wife to death. No, seriously.
57. Favorite time of the year? In the summer I say the fall, in the fall I say the summer. Winter can suck my balls and so can most of spring.
58. Favorite color? Same as the colour of my skin, baby.
59. Are you sarcastic? Wow.
60. Do you have any tattoos? Sorry, I'm not a STUPID GAY IDIOT VACUUMHEAD.
61. The last person you held hands with?
I honestly don't even remember. Possibly my Woman-friend who I saw during the summer. It's a shonde, because I'm a pretty good hand-holder.
62. Do you sleep with the TV on? This is sometimes a form of meditation for me.
63. Where was your default picture taken at? That one day I became Charles Bukowski. Or Euronymous. Or whomever asshole I have as my default atm.
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Sounds like you need to get caught up!!
65. Do you like your life right now?
Yes, I like bankrupting and embarrassing and disappointing my family and myself by being an unemployable graduate of a Highly Selective University, and I like having No Libido and having Crippling Depression and not having make-out action since 2001.
66. How often do you talk on the phone? As little as possible. I've been known to text, however.
67. What is your favorite animal?
Sloths, sharks. Dogs and cats are all right as far as household pets. Ferrets are gay and smell like SHIT. Rabbits are cute but they're idiotic and neurotic and I'd never get one. Bears are pretty cool. Chimps as well, I guess. I'm not all hot-shit about animals like some people though.
68. What was the most recent thing you bought? Probably unleaded automotive gasoline.
69. Do you have good vision? It's pretty decent. My glasses are more or less just for the make-out action
70. Can you hula hoop? Thanks, I'm not an autistic retard.
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I don't believe in the existence of Cheating. Because how can you be cheated-on by AN INFERIOR OBJECT WHO HAS NO VALUE OTHER THAN AS A MERE FUCKHOLE?
72. Do you have a job?
No, I'm almost 26, I graduated from a Highly-Selective "Public Ivy", I live with my parents, and I don't have a job. Come on. Who do you think I am? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.
73. Can you handle the truth? I AM the truth. I keep it R.R.
74. What are you wearing? What do you think I'm wearing?
75. Have you ever crawled through a window? That's a really gay final question. You're gay if you haven't ever crawled through a window.
You know, why don't I just do a shitload of surveys for the rest of this godforsaken post. I really can't summon forth the energy for productive, worthwhile thought/writing today.
OOH LOOK, HERE'S A SAUCY ONE!!!
Love and Life Survey
How old were you when you had your first relationship?
Hmm. I don't think this survey will gel with my introverted, privacy-loving personality as much as I hoped. They probably mean "Sexy relationship", don't they. Gay.
Are you taken/single? I'm taken AND single!
How old were you when you had your first kiss?
Technically a girl kissed me when I was still in grade school because I was pretty eminently and ungetawaywithably unfuckwithable even way back when. I didn't kiss her back 'cause she was a vacuumhead.
Do you like anyone right now? What's "like" mean?
Ever had your heartbroken?
I think they mean "heart [SPACE] broken," but they're too stupid and gay to know how to spell it.
Miss anyone right now? CREEP-Y!
Who was the last person you sent a text to? I'd rather not check.
Last person to text you? I'd rather not check.
Last person you saw? My mother.
What was the last thing you said to someone? Probably "Uh-huh" or "Yup."
Who is top in your top friends? the kenneth von classwar solo project
Why? Because it's my solo project
Who do you trust the most in your life? I trust the Lord because I have Faith that He's there.
Who do you love most? k.v.c., tom waits.
Ever been in love? I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
(0:46 ftw)
Who has hurt you the most? I don't get hurt. I get EVEN. Bwahahahaha.
Has a tragedy ever happened in your life? My grandparents died.
Are you happy?
I'm pretty happy right now, but wouldn't mind having a respectable Job or being in a Respectable Graduate Program, however. And not at a fucking Cow College like MIT.
How many good friends do you have? There's a few.
Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?
I have a PhD in Getting Over It.
Have you ever cheated on a partner? Believe it or not!
Ever been cheated on?
Not 100% sure. I have been "jewed", though. And I'm not 100% sure if I would enjoy "cheating" more than "jewing", though.
Ever been told someone loved you?
Thank g-d, no. I do get waaay too much of "my smrt'n'cute friend over there thinks you're really smrt'n'cute and she wants to watch woody allen movies with you", though.
Ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
Yes, If "Baby, I Love Fucking Your Asshole Into A Blown-Out Pulp" is synonymous with "I love you"
Not meant it?
Well, after I fucked this girl's eyeballs out once, I said "I loved fucking your eyeballs out", but I was just saying that to be nice.
Ever had your heart broken? Not the way I break hearts, baby.
Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?
Yes, I'm happy with never again having make-out action for the rest of my life.
What is your idea of true love? When you don't hate the person.
When they slip, do you think you can let go the small stuff?
Just please do a double-take to make sure you washed all the Mandingo-Cum off your face. And brush your teeth so you're not belching Mandingo-Cumbreath when we're having make-out action.
Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't even believe in "like at first sight."
Why or why not? Because people are boring stupid ugly gay idiots.
Do you believe that it is best to have a friendship first then love?
Haven't you ever even HEARD of "The Friend Zone", Son?
Do you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk?
If you love drinking, then you definitely can indulge your love-for-alcohol in bars.
Should people go to bars to find love?
They should go to bars to get drunk, play darts, and play tom waits on the jukebox.
Or should they go to places where people who like what they like hang out?
No, they should use OKCUPID. Get with the fucking program.
Should men and women be expecting the other to buy the other gifts?
As soon as you start doing nice things or showing respect, it shows you've become pathetically dependent on them.
Who should wear the pants in the relationship or should it be a mutual give and take?
The woman goes out and works while I do nothing but get drunk all day, she brings home money, then cleans the house, lets me cook because women can't cook, and finally blows my balls. I'm a Gender Rolebreaker. Not a Traditional Man!
Should chauvinists of either gender be in a relationship?
Only males who are violently chauvinistic enough to be called "misogynists".
Hmmm. These surveys are pretty fun for killing time. I just don't care if they're boring to read. C'mon. I don't send fucking bulletins or anything.
You're not going to like this one. It's 90 questions. Goddamn, that new episode of HOUSE just can't come on soon enough. I'll do You the favour of deleting the most boring questions.
1. What was the highlight of your week?
If you mean the week starting on sunday, then probably attempting to help my friend work on his resume. If you mean the week starting on monday, then probably watching both 5 episodes of House and Aki Kaurismaki's "Leningrad Cowboys Go America" all in one day. If you mean in the past 7 days, then probably one of the 2 times I got raging drunk. Minus the extreme social embarrassment and the shame of the day after.
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Ooooooooh! My favourite question ever! I've been waiting for this one!" Answer: "WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT."
4. What color shirt are you wearing? Brown, Blue, and Red. Colour Coordination ftw!
5. How long is your hair? 1.75 inches? I could stand to grow it out some more.
6. Are you good looking?
I am white-hot, baby. It's a crime against women that I'm not making-out with anybody right this second, but, what can I say. I just wanna take some time out for ol' Number One.
7. Last movie you watched?
LENINGRAD COWBOYS GO AMERICA. You don't know ANYONE else who has said, or who will ever say that. Try me.
8. Who were you with? I was by myself, thank you.
9. Last thing you ate? Taco Night! Those Flour Tortillas are gonna go straight to my thighs, I'm afraid.
10. Last thing you drank? Meijer Crystal-Light Rip-off Calorie-Free Lemonade Drink
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? Of course not. Questions like this are part of the reason I invented The Heartbreaker.
12. Who came over last? My house? Can't remember. It's simply not the most happenin' place to be.
13. Are you happy right now? I'd rather be Working, if that means anything.
14. What did you say last? I don't give a fuck
16. What color are your eyes? S.E.X.
18. Spell your name without vowels: knnth vn clsswr
20. Favorite Vacation? Did some Spring Break in Europe Action many, many years ago
21. What do you dislike currently? see above link.
22. What are you listening to? David Galas.
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? If I had a Respectable Job With A Major Corporation, I think there would be a proverbial domino effect, if you will.
24. What is your favorite scent? har-dee-har-har.
25. Who makes you happiest? k.v.c.
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching HOUSE
27. When is your birthday? Next month. I'm not scared.
28. Who has the same phone as you? Nobody but me is badass enough to have the Motorola C 155!
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? It was honestly 2004 or so. Wow.
30. Do you read your horoscope? It's a way to have fun.
31. Where was the last place you bought something? Gas station, NIGGA
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? I think we already established that
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? yeah, because I'm albanian. g with the p.
35. Do you have any expensive jewelery? fucking albanians.
36. Myspace or facebook? Facebook is much smrtr, but also much more jewish. So, I prefer Facebook, however, I'm only on Myspace.
37. How fast have you driven a car? I'm a pretty cautious driver, but I open it up sometimes
38. Have you ever smoked? Uhhh. I guess these surveys really are for 12 year olds.
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? I liked some of my psych classes. The ones where they talked about pathology and sex and personality and society and gender rather than neurons and catecholamines and shit. I also liked women's studies. And my photoshop class in high school. Most classes I hated.
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? I said I don't have a type. Unless "Not a boring dumb ugly vacuumhead" is a Type.
42. Do you have any hidden talents? I'm an excellent writer, songwriter, and maker-outer.
43. Favorite Song? You're a Moron. (not You-You, but whomever wrote this survey).
44. Do you like to sing at all? Because I've got a great singing voice!
45. Dream Job? Waits
46. Where does most of your family live? We are a Michigan bunch. But there is an isolated branch over in Minnesota who I have never met but sometimes I get weird emails with regards to their children in the Minnetonka Public Schools.
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? Imaginary siblings only.
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? Outrageously so.
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? I slept like BALLS last night. I kept waking up at the weirdest times. And being somewhat freaked out.
50. Do you drink? Ha, Ha, Ha. Laugh it up, Ass Hole. See if you get any sympathy from me when you decide to confront Your Drinking Problem.
51. Know any other languages? I've answered most of these questions, unprompted, at some point in the SIBHoD. I like to brag that I'm learning Finnish from watching Kaurismaki films.
52. Ever write a coded message? Gay
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? No, but I've gotten drunk AT a few receptions.
54. Do you have any children? GET THE FUCK OUTTA
55. Did you take a nap today? I honestly really felt like I wanted to.
56. Who has the same birthday as you?
Bruce Hornsby. Franklin Pierce. Harpo Marx. Boris Karloff. Billy The Kid. Robert Towne, famed screenwriter of "Chinatown". Joe Ezsterhas, famed screenwriter of "Showgirls." Bruce Vilanch, fat faggot fuck. Vincent Cassel, who did some harrowing skull-crushing vengeance action in "Irreversible." Steve Harvey, unfunny moustachioed negro. Michael Gough, the guy that plays Alfred the Butler in the first couple Batman movies. Susan Anspach, who played the Bitch who dumped Woody Allen in "Play it again, Sam." The guy Van Der Waals who the Van Der Waals Force is named after. (Physical Chemistry.) The avant-gard Polish composer Penderecki whose spine-chilling music you may remember from "The Shining" or "INLAND EMPIRE." This Finnish actor Esko Nikkari who played the guy who robbed the bank in Kaurismaki's "The Man Without a Past." Dr. Keith Ablow from "The Dr. Keith" Show (slightly more respectable than Dr. Phil.) Unimpressive rapper "Trick Daddy."
Anddddd......
MILEY CYRUS. YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
You could even say that I am exactly Ten Years Older To The Day than Miley Cyrus. Yet I still want to hang-out and make-out with her and her friends. I would not be able to take Miley out for a drink at the bar until I am THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD.
Some people who have died on my birthday include Klaus Kinski and Roald Dahl.
58. Do you want to be famous one day? Yeah. I want to be a celebrity. Because I value Popularity more than Respect, or Meaningfulness, or a sense of Personal Achievement, or of a Job Well-Done. Come on. Who wants IDIOTS throwing themselves at you. People who want to be famous are Fucked. Up. Bad.
59. Any Pet Peeves? I hate being Hovered-Over and Looked-At. I hate bad spelling and bad writing. I don't like being Jewed or Hoed. Ok. People generally annoy me.
60. Are you multitasking right now? Intranets, SIBHoD, mp3z, Tv.
61. Do you like Britany Spears? I like "Toxic" and "Gimme More." She-the-person makes me feel a little misogynistic, though.
62. What is your least favorite chore? cleaning the bathroom SON! I'd also hate if I lived in a house where people came over and made a mess all the time.
63. Last place you drove your car? to the fucking mechanic
64. Ever been out of the country? yes. yes I have.
65. Where were you born? East Side of D-troit.
66. Could you handle being in the military? I certainly would not do it wilfully. Not my cuppa. Doesn't fit with my personality. I could HANDLE it, though. I would just hate everybody and everything even more than I do now.
67. What is your average cell phone bill? 15 dollars a month SON. Net10ftw
68. Who are you thinking about right now? My sweetie, my love: MY COCK.
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? I've had a few good laughs whenever HOUSE does something silly/retarded to patronize his team and calls them "IDIOTS" or "MORONS." But as far as good ol' uncontrollable laughter, it's been too long.
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 3.
71. Are your toes always painted? I AM A MAN. S.E.X.
72. How many piercings do you have? See above.
73. What are you doing today? Surveys, feeling blargh, changing 2 words on my cover letter, waiting for new HOUSE.
74. Have you ever been gambling? legalized casino gambling downtown ftw!
75. When is the last time you updated your page? yesterday
76. Do you like rollercoasters? they're ok if you don't have to wait too long with a bunch of assholes
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? went to d-world when I was in grade school, it was good fun for the kids.
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? I like Wile E. Coyote and those "Predator vs Prey" cartoons, like Coyote vs Road Runner, or Big Dog vs Coyote.
79. Last thing you cooked? Ham'n'cheese MiniOmelet-Sandwich
80. How's the weather? Too bright, too cold
81. Do you e-mail? I don't even know exactly what e-mail is.
82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? Sent naked pictures of myself to this cute boy I used to like. It seemed like a good idea!
83. Last time you were sick? I'M DERANGED
84. What states have you lived in? MI exclusively. Wouldn't mind living somewhere where I could have a respectable job and meet people who aren't boring, dumb, obnoxious, and obesely ugly.
87. What is your dream car? When I wanted to be black, I wanted to have one of those 1980s Monte Carlos because they screamed S.E.X. Now I just don't give a fuck as long as it requires a minimum of maintenance.
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
The word "cant" is not in my vocabulary. I am suspicious of cant.
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
I've generally liked Chi-town. But I wouldn't mind someplace warmer. San Fran, if it weren't so bourgie and faggy and "hip." Jerusalem, maybz.
90. Are you happy with your life?
This question comes up alot. The teenage girls who write these surveys really need to get an eating disorder, a popular douchebag boyfriend, or some superprozac, or something.
I just took an Online Personality Test and this is what they said:
My Personality
99 | |
1 | |
77 | |
41 | |
18 |
| You feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences, however you feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives. |
Promise Rings |
I'd recommend viewing the full personality profile!
I can't say this is 6,000,000% accurate; this week I have been extraordinarily crabby and extraordinarily antisocial. I.e., even moreso than usual. Just sitting around, watching the temperature drop, watching tons o' movies, avoiding people, feeling really weird, etc.
You wanted some Hot Action, well now You're gonna get some Hot Action. Your reward for getting this far will be the LOVE LIFE survey. Ay Chihuahua! SASS SANDWICH!
1 Are You Single? No, I'm "In A Relationship." Idiot.
2 If not, who is your bf/gf? definitely not music.
3 How Long Have You Been Together? I could make a really bad pun out of that question.
4 If You're Single, Do you Like It? Dichotomous Thinking ftl. I like Who I Am! I am getting kinda bored with all the Promiscuous Casual Sex I've been having lately, though.
5 Do You Have a Crush On Anyone Right Now? I'd Crush someone's skull with a fire extinguisher right now! Pussy-ass teens invented surveys as their way of Broadcasting to their Crushes that they have a Crush on them, thus they don't have to actually grow a pair and Do Anything about it, and then the next day they get their lilly-liveredness Validated by Having Orgasmic Drunken Sex and Exchanging HPV. What A World. Not on my watch, baby.
6 First Kiss. Some Grade-School Vacuumhead. I was totally patronizing her. Turned me off girls for some time.
7 Ever Kiss in the Rain? Not actually outside in the rain, although I've a hardon for that faggy cinematic shite. Though aren't most girls afraid of faggy irrational shit like rain or thunderstorms?
8 In a Movie Theater? Only total sluts make-out in public.
9 Underwater? wtf?
10 First Love: what about Me? but seriously. Probably this one girl a long time ago. I don't think it technically counted, though. At least I hope it didn't. "Love" is a "petty bourgeois emotion", anyway. [Satrapi]
11 Have you ever Cheated on Anyone? I've thought about starting. What's the saying? "Cheaters have more fun?"
12 Been Cheated on? Not technically, though I have been raw-wronged. Typical jewishness.
13 Used Someone? Only for financial and political gain.
14 Been used? Not with my permission.
15 Lied to your bf/gf? As hysterical as she was, You'd think the broad had never gotten Pustulent Genital Warts before!
16 Ever Made out With Just a Friend? Some drunk girls have thrown themselves on me. But they weren't really friends.
17 Ever Had Sex With Just a Friend? Nothing gets MY COCK up like Platonic Friendship!
18 Are You a Tease? Nymphomaniacs would have you believe that I am; in reality, I don't like to tease.
19 Do you Flirt a Lot? I don't really feel compelled unless the girl passes the von Classwar Test. To their credit, though, It's not really a fair test.
20 Longest Relationship. That's just not relevant.
21 Shortest. Right now. I just began and ended a relationship. Right there.
22 Have you Ever Gotten a Poem? I've written poyems about My Cock, so I guess by definition I was getting a poyem from My Self.
23 Ever Get Flowers? [Censored: godawful Defloweration Joke]
24 Sweetest Thing You've Ever Gotten. I'm pretty fond of [Censored].
25 Do you Like Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day? These days are inherently gay.
26 Do you Believe in Love at First Sight? I'm not sure if this can be proven or disproven. I kinda liked the movie "My Girl", though.
27 Do you Believe in
28 Do you Fall in Love Fast? That's an oxymoron! "Falling in love" fast is, in FACT, by definition, nothing more than mere "infatuation", idiot!
29 Are you a Player? You mean an MMORPG Player?
30 Would you ever Hook Up With Someone of the Same sex? The reason I act so gay is because I'm not-so-secretly gay. Blow me, Fucking faggots.
31 Have You ever Kissed 2 People in One Day? I think we were playing Spin The Bottle or something gay. It was stupid and gay.
32 Kissed 2 People At One Time? Not my cuppa.
33 Had Sex with 2 People in One day? My main gaming technique is that I get the stench of sex on my cock from fucking one cunt, so then I can pull sex with a second cunt. In the Same day. And I don't wear a rubber because they take away all the feeling. Plus HPV is just an invention of the republican abstinence-only sex "education." GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.
34 Had sex with 2+ People at One Time? I'm not a SLUT, if that's what you mean.
35 Ever cried over someone of the opposite sex? Cried bullets.
36 Ever Been Dumped? Once a girl dumped me because she didn't like the flannel shirt I was wearing one day.
37 Ever dumped someone? I take a dump on them when I dump them.
38 Ever been rejected? Not to my knowledge.
39 Do you have a lot of ex's? This survey is gay.
40 Are you a slut? HELL. NO.
41 Ever been called one? NO. And with good reason.
42 Ever dated someone more than once? Almost Kinda Sorta.
43 Do you ever make the first move? I'm smooth like that.
44 Double dates or single? I've experienced both!
45 Do you want to get married? Not sure. I'd like to try "dating" first.
