1. No More Innuendo
2. Drastic Reduction in "I" statements
3. Likely Drastic Reduction in the following topics: Armchair-Counselor Whimsy, Libido, Interpersonal Interactions, Gender
So take at least some small comfort in that, Sinister Readers.
i. welcome to my cock
I'm taking this Employment tip one day at a time. I'm internalizing a "One-Strike-and-you're-out" ethos in being the Perfect Employee before I even am an Official employee. As I was filling out paperwork, it struck me how long it'd been since I was "the new guy" and had to Meet The Staff. That made me a little nervous. But I didn't want to come off as nervous. When I was done filling out redundant forms and I introduced myself to the young woman working the frontdesk, she made a remark about me seeming nervous. This threw me for a loop. I was nervous, but I certainly didn't want to COME OFF as nervous. Which I usually do, because I tend to get extremely nervous and it's hard-to-hide, as I overcompensate by being super-nice and ass-kissing.
Now, I certainly wouldn't have made a remark about The New Guy's Nervousness, but I refrained myself from making any snap judgments about the young woman. ("Good Christ, that's a rude thing to say.") Ok, so she's perfectly not-nervous. Good For Her. Anyway, this is a Library. All the employees are Timid Matronly Women and/or Dorks, i.e., not bully-types, so she's probably not intentionally harshing my mallow for my being nervous. Thank christ this isn't a Sales Job with an Aggressive Sales Team. Still, it was good I made a few minutes of small talk with her before I got out of there.
To show how Good Of An Employee I plan on being, I agreed to come into Unpaid Training on Sunday.
At any rate, getting raging drunk isn't as tempting as it was even two short months ago. It's just not any fun, thus I'm not compelled to do it. This has become a profound new maxim in my life:
"If it's not really any fun, just don't do it."
I was thinking about going on perhaps my Most Offensive Tirade ever, one that justifies rape. I was going to say something like:
"Well, how long does it take the average Raped Woman to get over the Rape? A month? Six Months? The Average Guy gets more Sexual Frustration from a typical Drought than does the Average Raped Woman from getting Raped. Meanwhile, a Woman can get-over a Rape in just a few months. THAT'S WHY Rape isn't really a big deal. It is harmful to women to an extent, yes, but it's nowhere near as bad as the Feminist Media claims. The guys who rape women are Ten Times More Sexually-Fucked Up than how the Woman will become as a result of the rape. Give a guy a break!"
That gets the quotation treatment. Because Rape is terrible and it ruins women's lives and fucks them up for years/lifetimes, not just a mere month, thank you very much. If a woman can get-over a rape and go on to enjoy her fully-realized potential, that's something that should be celebrated, and it certainly does not give Men - no matter how "sexually frustrated" or "unactualized" - license to Rape women. No matter how much "suffering" the Raper feels, that doesn't justify putting anybody through such a terrorizing, harrowing experience.
And, if rape is merely a simple utilitarian act - i.e., an emotionally-neutral method for Sex-Starved-Men to "Blow Off Steam" - then why Rapists don't become Sexually Normal, Happy Dudes after they rape? Why do they in fact continue to be fucked-up and continue to rape women?
It can't be emphasized enough that Rape is an act of Hatred and Violence and Control, NOT of eroticism or passion or sexuality or libido.
RAPE IS A HATE CRIME.
Now order bumper stickers from me.
Another reason I like "The Office" so much is because it's chock-full of unhealthy, unhappy, dreadful, dysfunctional Rel'ships. Pam is getting married to Roy, an uncouth boor who clearly has no respect for her, and with whom she is increasingly dissatisfied. Michael is in unrequited love with Jan and that whole thing is a train-wreck from the beginning to the end. Kelly is in unrequited love with Ryan, which turns into a dramatic "War of the Roses". Dwight and Angela had one of the healthier relationships (and that's saying something!) because, at one time, they both seemed to actually like each other; but since both of them are so weird, that was doomed to failure. I'm not too well-caught-up, but I wouldn't be surprised if Dwight still pines for her even when she's getting married to Andy. I'm not sure how much Angela loves Andy, but he seems to love her more than she loves him. Kevin is a disgusting pornographer who is always leering at women and clearly has no respect for his own fiancee. Toby is an obvious doormat who was clearly pwned by his x-wife. Meredith is a depressed alcoholic who can't keep a husband, assumedly because of her alcoholism, insecurity, and low self-esteem. Creed is just a str8-up maniac-sociopath who is probably entirely incapable of any kind of social relationship. The best relationships are between Stanley/wife, Oscar/boyfriend, and Phyllis/Bob Vance. And the obvious best relationship would be between Jim and Pam, but they only quietly crush on each other and are too damn cowardly and spineless to leave their own horrible Rel'ships.
Naturally I don't mind all this tension.
I've been feeling a little "weird" lately. I just don't really feel like hanging out. It's no offense to anybody. Either way, I understand how not returning messages can be considered slightly offensive. I just don't really feel like doing stuff. Going out to the bar and drinking is simply unhealthy at best. I'm more than happy to go to the Ghetto Mall and see Horrible Movies, though.
Ha! I just got a Rejection Email for a Part-Time Lab Assistant job at the hospital. I barely even remember applying for this job. It had to be at least a month ago, probably two.
Not to be presumptuous, but if I end up "talking to" any of my new "co-workers" to the extent that I would become their MySpace friend (which would be a good idea towards cultivating a Positive and Friendly TeamWorkEnvironment which is part of being The Perfect Employee ftw) then I'm going to have to remove those links to the SIBHoD and Things I Hate, etc. Still, I've made it to over 1,000 + hits so far, so I'm happy. Hey. Come on. I'm well aware of my Internet Privacy.
ii. get your christ on
I'd rather be listening to Van Morrison or Neil Young or Eric Clapton or David Bowie or Pink Floyd or J.S. Bach or The Band or T.Waits than the Decemberists or Of Montreal or whatever Twentysomethingish Socialites prefer to listen to, and I'm aware this might make me a "horrible and uncool person", but I just don't give a care. I'm comfortable with being a bit of a "traditionalist" with my musical tastes, and you could even call me "conservative" and I'd not flinch. "Standing the test of time" scores big points with me. So when I see some cutesy 20 year old busker all over Myspace, my first inclination is to be slightly cynical.
Of course, there's always exceptions. I enjoy The National. And Emily Haines. And, uh, Jose Gonzalez.
But really. Jose Gonzalez is a huge wimpy swedish pussy who's riding the coattails of The Knife, who are themselves also huge wimpy swedish pussies.
I saw "Step Brothers" for the second time at the Cheap Cinema the other night. I think I enjoyed it more. I was at the ultra-ghetto theatre this time, and there were a bunch of Blacks laughing so uproariously, that at one point, one of the Blacks literally fell onto the floor.
Maybe I'm so skilful at creating an awesome Intranets Persona (Myspace, Blogger, etc) because I've had a lot of "practice." Maybe 5 years ago my profile was as FUCKING LAUGHABLY LAME as the vast majority of people's.
The point is, I developed and enhanced that skill-set, son, and now I have the unfuckwithable profiles to prove it.
Another point one can never beat to death is that "giving advice" is almost always more insulting/offensive than it is "helpful." Fuck that shit. I think some people who give advice frequently are actually sadists, who realize their sadism, and they get a small amount of pleasure out of judging and criticising people with their oh-so-holier-than-thou "advice."
Shut the fuck up. You're not doing anyone any favour. People's Major Flaws are often very obvious, and if you think they don't realize it themselves, you're probably mistaken. They don't need these flaws thrown in their fucking face. It's nothing but salt in the wound, insult to injury, etc. Fuck y'all. Get Raped. That's my fucking Advice.
So that's why I never put a Truth Box on my Myspace page. Not because I can't take criticism, ha.
It's officially been Long Underwear Cold for at least a week. And the thing is, once you get the Long Underwear on, the cold is Almost Tolerable. But Those Days really break the proverbial camel's back. You know Those kind of days: Where it snows 88 inches overnight and the roads are covered with Wintry Mix and it's windy as fuck and and it's -6,000,000 degrees outside. You might not get more than 7 to 10 days like that all winter, but it's enough to make the entire winter unbearable, longjohns'n'all. Be Very Afraid.
Local Music Scenes are, overall, fucking gay as hell. Most bands that make Music-for-a-living suck balls, for god's sakes. The ones that do it for "fun" are even shittier, more derivative, and more boring. The Worst are Shows at small bars and parties, where there are10 bands and all the people in the audience are either in each other's bands or friends with the bands. It's worse than incestuous. It's self-indulgence taken to an extreme even-more-excruciating-than-the-SIBHoD (aspervisavis the excruciatingly unwarranted social validation/reciprocity in The Bandscene):
"Come see my gay band and I'll come see your gay band and we'll get ripped on cheap beer and put our unsheathed pee-pees inside Lame Skanks! Hooray for us!"
And you know what else is gay? FLYERS for these gay Shows. FLYERS: with their lame "art" and the names of 6,000,000 gay bands. Fuck your Flyers!
Yet even more reasons why I'm so happy to have a Solo Project and not a fucking BAND. FUCK BANDS.
I think I'm gonna start patronizing actual Video Stores and renting random (newer) movies that they don't have at the library. And sometimes you come across a Diamond in the Rough. For example, I saw at Family Video they had fucking MANDERLAY. Which has been near the top of my Actually-Want-To-See list, but I can't get an Inter-Library-Loan on it, because Shit is Wack.
What is better: an "original" joke/witticism that falls flat/sucks, or a well-placed reference to something "unoriginal" that's actually funny? I'm leaning towards the reference-is-better, but it really is a case-by-case-basis. My Rule of Thumb, though, is: whatever gets more laughs is the better thing to do. What good are Originality Points if your Original Material Sucks Balls?
As the years have gone by, a sense of Humour has become more and more important to me. Sometimes shit gets so gay in life that in order to Respect Yourself, you have to be able to Laugh It All Off. Or you can take everything too seriously and be an Even More Miserable Asshole. Don't get me wrong, having a sense of Humour won't keep you from being a Miserable Asshole. You'll just be somewhat less miserable, somewhat less of an asshole, and somewhat more people might like you (unless your sense of "humour" is too excruciating).
I just don't get the urge to look at Pornography. That's another thing that separates me from Most Men. I don't find it titillating or exciting or even compelling in the least. OK, maybe it's not AS "hateful" or "oppressive" or a "Rape Primer Course" as I claimed during my "Second Wave Feminist" Phase last year, but I still think it's kinda stupid and gay. For example, if I were "dating" a girl and found out she had done "pornography" and had knelt, cooing'n'gasping, as her face was covered in cum from 88 Black Cocks, it would not improve my opinion of her. I'd say
"Gross. That's just godawful."
iii. "excuse me, but did you say 'balls' or 'bowels'?"
My family is Off The Chainz. They're the type who view going to a Chinese Restaurant as a Really Exotic, Ethnic experience. Like this is actually how they do it in China. They also sneer at people who talk on cell phones in public or while driving. And they scoff at the idea of starting your car and going back in the house for 4 minutes while the car warms up, because gas is "4 dollars a gallon", and plus there's a good chance somebody might steal your car while it's idling out there with your keys in it. Because No-One Else is out there at 7 am also warming up their cars, and Blacks are just cruising the white neighborhoods at that time looking for cars to steal.
Today I'm gonna start a membership at Family Video or Blockbuster or Hollywood and try and rent some serious shit. Like MANDERLAY. I'd start a membership just to rent that one movie. You also see semi-random shit that jogs your memory - like "Soccer Mom" - that one might be inclined to rent.
It's all just weird, weird, weird, though. I don't even feel like calling any of my friends. Yet I don't particularly feel like sitting around at home. Maybe I'll just do some 8 pm Bed Action. Meijer is always fun. And there is a Hollywood video nearby...and also a family video.... and I'd rather watch "Manderlay" than "Ikiru".... HMMMMM.... plus Family Video is chock full-o Stupid Horror Movies, as well as copies of "House" and "The Office" and whatnot that I cannot get at the Lib....Whooooooaaaaaaa
So I never understood videogames until now. They're so popular because it's fun to Get Stoned and Play them 6,000,000 hours a day, because in areas like this, every past-time is so boring, or so unhealthy, or both, that getting Stoned and Playing Video games is a smart, healthy alternative.
The renowned Relationship Researcher John Gottman has notably claimed that a demonstrable predictor of success in a relationship is the Ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. If the positive-to-negative Ratio slips beneath a whopping 5:1, then, according to Gottman et al (1998), the relationship is in trouble. As the ratio worsens, a "downward spiral" of negative interactions can compound the problem, and then there's no turning back.Waitaminute. Am I reading this right? You sure it's not One Positive Interaction for every Five Negative Interactions? That would seem moar "Rel'shipish".
Nope. Five pos for ONE Neg it is. Does that mean Negative Interactions are Five Times Moar Powerful than Positive Interactions??!! You mean you have to do that much Work?
AND I THOUGHT I HAD UNLIVEUPTOABLY HIGH STANDARDS!!
(Although it does provide a token of comfort to have my standards validated by Respected Relship Researchers.)
I went to the Family Video and discovered that I already had an account there from years ago.
And wouldn't you believe it. They had MANDERLAY but some fool had already rented it! WHO RENTS MANDERLAY IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD???!!
So I rented season 3 of the office and started getting caught up there. I also slept from 10 pm to 10 am ftw.
At the moment my Professional Life is still in limbo. It'll take about a month of getting used to the new job before it actually becomes RESUMEWORTHY. I.e., before I know the job well enough to write a few glowing blurbs on the res. It's Recent Superior Job Performance that's going to be the stepping-stone to Other Jobs.
I'd hate to be a woman, because so much of the attention you get is only because you're a woman. That's the Male Gaze they're always talking about. You could be smart as shit, or dumb as a box o' rocks, but if you're a 50.1% Not-Bad-Looking Woman, it just doesn't matter. So you end up inferring, probably quite rightly, that every man's motive is to Get In Your Pants. If I lived in a world like that - i.e., What is, In Actuality, The Real World For Women - I imagine I'd easily be a Huge Cunt.
Well, rest assured, ladies, that when I gaze at you, I'm also making assumptions about your Intelligence and Character/Personality, not just your Physical Appearance! Which, more often than not, suggests "This Woman is Nothing More Than A Stupid Little Shit-Slut (SS) !"
When I'm having a Poopy Day, I've found listening to some RAGE A. T. F'n M. can work miracles. I don't care how predictable that is. There's just something about them. The "Social Justice-related Indignation" is H-uge, too, since I don't really get that vibe off of my other Poopy-Day Stuff. Like SLAYER "Reign In Blood" is totally a go-to album, but sometimes I need a little more Communist Angst.
It's 20 degrees (F) out there, 10 with wind-chill. There is no way I'm stepping foot outside of this house today. Jesus this sucks balls.
The problem with complaining alot is that it's hard to make it funny, and, after a certain point, you CANNOT make it funny. That's part of why Lewis Black is so fucking annoying. G-d forbid anyone ever mentions me in the same sentence as Lewis Black, unless to say: "Classwar is about 6,000,000 times more awesome than that whiny little pussywaste Jewis Black."
I sorta like some comedians, and I understand the "will-to-comedy" now more than I ever have. My major problems with comedians remain the same-as-it-ever-was, though:
1. the blurring of the distinction between "stand-up" and "exhibitionism", and
2. the concept of "The Gimmick." Like Lewis Black is The Angry Comedian and Mitch Hedberg is The Stoned Space Cadet Comedian and Brian Pohsehn is The Big Scary Heavy Metal Comedian and Dave Chapelle is The Elder Statesman of Modern Black Comedy and Sarah Silverman is The Sassy Little Jewess and etc etc. The gimmick might be a function of the Standing-up itself, though: when you put yourself on a stage in front of the audience, the audience's reaction to you can have an influence on the way you present yourself. In other words, Comedians cannot automatically be faulted for the way they are perceived.
What I do like about Comedians is that they generally seem to be a frustrated, ostracized, narcissistic bunch who're also fairly smrt/gud writrz. I cannot really relate to the stand-up form, though. I would rather just be a funny guy in everyday situations. But some of the funniest people I know in everyday situations are also some of the least frustrated and least narcissistic people I know. Weird! (But they're still smart and good writers. Natch.)
Who the fuck rents fucking Manderlay in this fucking neighborhood? I kinda want to wait by the drop-box to meet this person. Manderlay got less press than Dogville, for god's sakes. You don't rent Manderlay on a WHIM, for god's sakes.
There's absolutely no fucking reason to SHOVEL snow off your driveway, EVER. If there's 1-2 inches of snow, you just fucking DRIVE over it. If it's knee-deep in snow and you can't drive over it, you use your SNOWBLOWER to blow a path for your car, quickly and efficiently. Simple as that. No more than 10 minutes. Under NO circumstance should you EVER go out there with a shovel every time another quarter-inch of snow has fallen. Jesus Christ. How can one's life be THAT boring?
Ben Stein can eat a fat dick. How the hell can he call himself a Jew? Intelligent Design my Sinister White Ass.
I'm not terribly fond of NORML and other Stoner Activists, but I am a little interested in this whole Medical Marihuana thing. Some of my Big Questions include: how much would the medical marihuana cost? Would it cost more, less, or about the same as Criminalized Marihuana? I'd argue it'd be best if it cost significantly Less. Also, how would you go about obtaining a prescription for the Medical Marihuana? Would you need to be dying of cancer? AIDS? What if you just had glaucoma? OR, what if you had Crippling Depression, Anxiety, or Alcoholism? Would there be strict prescribing guidelines, or could you find some doctors who were more "lenient" about that sort of thing? (See that one "Entourage" episode.) [I checked teh intranets and the proposal said something about "DEBILITATING ILLNESS" like cancer, aids, MS, etc. Although in the next 120 Days perhaps the List O' Acceptable Conditions might be expanded by petition.] How would you get the Medical Marihuana, and how much/how often could you get it? Would you have to go back to the Dr. once your "prescription" ran out?
I just romanticise it all, I guess. I daydream about going into a clinic and telling the doctor I have stomach cancer or whatever, then getting a prescription for Medical Marihuana, then buying a reasonably-priced Ounce from the Medical Marihuana Shoppe, and smoking spliffs whilst watching movies and listening to music. Of course, there might be limits on that sort of thing. It would Suck if you couldn't take the Marihuana outside of the shoppe. How inconvenient! Also, they might not let you buy such a large quantity as an Ounce.
You know what I REALLY hate? College kids who have a hardon for "Kind Buds." This stuff is ridiculously, ridiculously expensive - almost as much as COCAINE - and there is no way on god's green earth people who are not established, successful professionals should be able to afford to smoke this stuff.
But my god! The music! I have vivid memories of sitting down with a gigantic spl*ff and just GOING TO TOWN on very specific songs: "Blackwater Park" by Opeth, Side 2 of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" album, "Goin Down the Road Feelin Bad" extra-length jam version as interpreted by the Grateful Dead, "aes" by Skepticism, the "Everybody Knows this is nowhere" album by Neil Young, the sick version of Neil Young's "Down By The River" as performed by The Meters, blablabla. I guess it was pretty typical "blazin" stuff, but who cares. It was Fun!
I, I, I, Me, Me, Me. How about YOU once in a while?
What can I say about You. the only "You's" I really know are the people I know, my friends, etc. I guess I could also make scathing judgments about the people I see while people-watching. We went to The Mall the other day and did a little bit of that.
A lot more things/activities/privileges should require passing an intelligence test. Like voting, or driving, or working, or drinking, or smoking Medical Marihuana, or dating'n'mating, or going out in public, or just about anything. Now, the obv problem is: "But Intelligence Tests are Culturally-Biased, So They Don't Really Test Intelligence At All!"
I'm not saying you need to be a GENIUS, for god's sakes. I'm just saying that if we weeded out even HALF of the people engaging in most activities, the world would be a twice-as-better place. Chrissakes, kids take standardized tests to get into college and there's no way they're going to get rid of THOSE tests; at least the tests provide a ROUGH APPROXIMATION of intelligence, and that's all I'm asking for: Just make some broad cuts and exclude the lowest 50 percent of Idiots. You don't need a fine-tuned, precise tool for that. Just hack away. Hack, hack away. I guaranfuckingtee you'd see some big positive change in this country/world, with a bare minimum of effort. Because at LEAST 50% of people who do things are too fucking dumb to do them.
So what do you do with all those "extra" Stupids once you've made The Big Cut? Manual Labour, son! Have them work for minimum wage making cars and amerikkkan flags and all the other shit that Amerikkkans complain about "buying foreign."
Just stick 'em in a work-camp. However, you cannot work them to death like some fascist dictator would have them do, no matter how much you may be tempted (and resisting temptation can be muuuch easier said than done!). You have to take care of them and keep them happy, so they will happily do these mindless, no-mental-effort jobs for all of eternity, and smart people can make smart livings and be happy for their own smart selves.
The SIBHoD is, as it's always been, a work-in-progress. What's almost-as-bad as the Uncensored Stuff, is the Innuendo stuff. If there's one thing Innuendoes do NOT do, it's keep it Really Real. It's just a bunch of passive-aggressive, wink-wink-nudge-nudge bullshit. Why doesn't one (I) just say what one (I) really means?
Yeah. Yet another example of a super-obvious truth I've not realized until now.
You live, you learn, blablabla. So now I'm dispassionately cutting out All Innuendo. I'd go back and cut All the Innuendo from previous posts, but that'd take too fucking long.
I'm also gonna reduce "I" statements in the future SIBHoD. Because, as much as I'd like to believe otherwise, my life is really not that exciting.
It's a problem when you want to write, but you have nothing to write about because everything is so fucking boring. I'm one of those "instant-gratification" Aholes that has a hard time sitting around waiting patiently. Although, contradictorily, I'd also claim I'm more patient than most. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a "walking contradiction", as the song goes. Nope. I almost fetishize contradiction, for god's sakes.
But that's just me. How about You?
Heh. The new thing for this post (in addition to the new focus on reducing Innuendoes and reducing Tongue-In-Cheek "Censoring") is that I'm going to go over it with a microscope and identify the Cognitive Distortions that I make. Oftentimes a person makes Cognitive Distortions without even realizing it, and this can lead to a Pessimistic Attitude. Since I sometimes have a Pessimistic Attitude, I figure I'm probably making some Cognitive Distortions, so I'm going to "tune-in" to my thoughts, recognize the C.D.'s, and replace them with more positive, constructive, realistic thoughts ftw!
But some of the C.D.'s are confusing and stupid and have a lot of overlap. I don't think there should be TEN of them, for god's sakes. It just makes it more confusing / harder to use. Which is very counterproductive. (Mental Filter, Disqualifying the Positive, Magnification.) (Or is it. Such fucking stupid overlap. How do you know you're correctly identifying the Cognitive Distortions?)
Obviously you just take your best guess at how you're being overly pessimistic. That's all.
I think people have a Moral Obligation to Develop themselves into interesting people, so they have more worth/value/merit than being just a Mere Object. Otherwise they become BORING. They turn into the type of people Nikki Sixx would describe as "not being good for anything but fucking." People CAN be SO much more, and I feel it's incumbent on each individual to become that Interesting, Good-For-Something Person.
BEGIN "TWILIGHT" DISCUSSION
With this new "Twilight" movie, Kristen Stewart is gonna be The Next It Girl. Which is too bad. I liked having her all to myself. Although with "It"ness comes one's own Cardboard Cutout for sale at F.Y.E...
Apparently 'twas a popular series of "tween" books. But we know my sitch with that section of the Liberry.
And I can promise you the movie didn't contain any musickal selections from the BLACK-HOT Legendary US Black Metal Supergroup, the Pitchfork darlings "TWILIGHT":
END "TWILIGHT" DISCUSSION
How come when you drink a lot of Tea before eating Breakfast, you get this feeling in your stomach like you're gonna Hurl? It's not even really unpleasant. Sometimes you just puke up a bunch of Tea and then feel fine and dandy and go about your day. Or you eat something and the feeling quickly goes away. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT?
So I just don't understand people who get drunk and have Unprotected S.E.X. with somebody the first time they meet them. The sad thing is that this is not an uncommon thing, especially with Attractive People. The person could have fucking AIDS for chrissakes. Just think about that for a second. How do you know they don't have AIDS? I'm gonna be that asshole who goes to parties wearing an "I HAVE AIDS" T-shirt just so people realize how they're risking their fucking lives for a one-time drunk fuck. Soooo fucking stupid.
My new Mission Is: I'm gonna seduce drunk girls just so I can be 1mm from slipping my unprotected Sinister Cock into them, and then I'll say,
"BY THE WAY, I HAVE AIDS,"
and then watch their reaction. And then I will get up and leave. It's not about being funny. It's about being stone-cold surryous. Maybe I would teach at least one person a valuable lesson, the lesson being: considering how well you know me, I very damn well could have Aids. I should try to do that with as many women as possible.
Honestly. You never met the person before in your life. You know nothing about them and their history. They could be a pathological liar. At best. And, sure, probability-wise, they probably don't have AIDS, but, for god's sakes, if you know nothing about a person, use a god damn CONDOM for chrissakes. They at least have HPV. Oh Wait. That doesn't matter, because everybody has HPV anyway.
Take home-point: always, always, always, ALWAYS insist on using a CONDOM when you
1. drunk-fuck somebody you just met
2. fuck somebody without really knowing if they have AIDS or not.
Because honestly. They might not have AIDS (but they might!), but they might have herpes, chlamydia, you know the laundry list. OH WAIT NO YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO HAVE SAFE SEX.
Imho, I think people dumb enough to have unprotected sex DESERVE to get whatever sexual disease they get, be it something minor like HPV, or the grandaddy of them all. Go ahead, idiots. Fuck yourselves to D E A T H.
All right, Sinister Readers, the winds of change are blowing through once again. You never know what to expect with the SIBHoD. I suppose we can refer to it as a shift in theme/subject matter.
Honestly, I'm at such a "crossroads" with the SIBHoD that I even feel some "Sinister" urges to end the SIBHoD altogether. This seems drastic/extreme, though; an Emotional Reaction, if you will. Still, I would not rule out the idea of a HIATUS. Despite how hilarious the SIBHoD is and has been, I'm becoming increasingly unhappy with the themes it discusses. The SIBHoD has finally reached the point where it is making ME uncomfortable.
Yeeeeee.
After sleeping on it, I've decided there's no need to abandon the SIBHoD. I have no problem using it to discuss movies and dreams and the like.
Like this ridiculous dream I had last night! Whoo boy! I'd had some Nyquil, which I think has some effect in bringing about extraordinarily vivid, realistic, and epic dreams. Give it a shot sometime.
I was in a large, fancy-pants sort of room. There were a number of people in this room: two of my good friends. One of these friend's father. Rob Reiner. (!) Noam Chomsky. Except Chomsky did not look like Chomsky. He still looked like a little intellectual Jew, though. Rob Reiner looked more or less like you'd expect. I was intimidated to be in Chomsky's presence, and I didn't want to say anything stupid. I knew all these "celebrities" were here because of my friend's father, who was a bit of a man of influence, taking his famous friends out on the town for a weekend of gambling. Or something.
Here's another real funny thing. Immediately before this, we were driving around The City in a region a few miles south of the house where I grew up as a child. Now, since this is a dream, the city was nothing like it actually is. There were streets that don't really exist and such. As we drove around, there were spacious parks, and a number of zoos. There were a terrific number of elephants everywhere. There were elephants playing softball with old men. That has GOT to means something, it's so bizzare. At one point we came to a waterfall where we met Steve Carell. He was being his zany Steve Carelly self, and was feeding small sharks, and one of the sharks had jumped up and seized his arm, and he tried (and failed!) to shake the shark off. Rather than being scary or nightmarish, it was cartoony and funny.
WTF.
At another point I found myself driving around the freeways of "the city" in a large bus nicknamed "The Toy Box" or something like that. It was full of transvestites and drag queens and suicide girls and freakshow types. IT was being driven by a no-nonsense black man, who I was trying to steer the right way, because he had no idea where he was going.
MOOVIES
MANDERLAY: Yup, finally rented this one. It's been a long time coming. I liked it. I don't know if I liked it as much as I wanted to, though. I might have liked Dogville a little more. But it followed excellently as part of Trier's "America: Land of Opportunity" Trilogy. The same conventions are present: the straightforward presentation of the movie-as-a-book, complete with chapters and the constant narration of John Hurt. And I'm a big fan of that. I was hoping Hurt would be back, and he was. It has the same characters: Grace the heroine and her gangster family. This time, though, the father's role is played by Willem Dafoe, not James Caan, and it's a dandy transition. Trier is a natural at casting people in roles that fit like a glove. And instead of Nicole Kidman playing Grace, we have Bryce Dallas Howard.
She PWN3D the entire movie for me. I cannot remember the last time I had such a visceral reaction to an actress in a movie. She was absolutely strikingly stunningly jawdroppingly eyewideningly BEAUTIFUL. Good Lord. She is a breed apart. This might be My Type right here, folks. Holy Shit. This is not a "Meh" Girl. Wow. A couple times I paused the film just to stare at her face. I knew she was a "pretty girl", but I'd never seen her in a movie before (FUCK YOU M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN!!!), and I was utterly unprepared for How Pretty she actually is.
(although she looks like a teenage boy here)
She was DISARMING, honestly, because she kinda reminded me of not just one, but two women I'd actually found attractive before. It was fucking Uncanny, and a little bit scary.
And, naturally, she gets horny for Black Hides and gets Ravaged by a Savage Black Cock and you get to see her pale white naked body complete with erect nipples and wispy Firebush. Jesus Fucking Christ, Trier, I'm going to kick your fucking white Danish ass one of these days.
I don't care if I spoiled that. I kinda expected it going in. Not that I have a "Mandingo Fetish" or anything, but I do tend to talk about it a lot uh? I guess I'm fascinated in the Mandingo Fetish - i.e., delicate Lily-White Super-Feminine Little Girls getting all WET for the Savage, Exotic, Huge-Black-as-Night-Man-Presented-as-a-Brutal-Sexual-More-Masculine-Than-Masculine BEAST. That it's only this Bestial extreme of dark, untamed masculinity that can satisfy these whitest, gentlest, most girly of girls. A Lame-ass White Boy (Eunuch) just couldn't do the job. Cause the White Boy's just too lilywhite and not Manly and Brutish enough.
There's definitely something shocking about the dichotomy of seeing a tiny, fragile, snow-white girl being RIPPED OPEN by a HUGE, ANIMALISTIC COAL-BLACK MAN. Something just seems wrong about it. It just looks like rape. It looks like the archetype of The roughest, crudest, harshest, most painful, most Nontender Sex imaginable. It makes you squirm in your seat, yet you can't stop watching. Some guys even develop a "Cuckold Fetish" for it.
Solondz's "Storytelling" has the same thing going on.
{There's NO WAY this video's gonna last long on Youtube:
Selma Blair and I went to the same school. I wonder what she was doing during her College Years, har-dee-har-har!!)
But it figures. The single most beautiful woman I've seen in a movie in years has a hardon for being Fucked In Half by Big Black Dongs. IT FIGURES. THANKS, VON TRIER, YOU ASS HOLE.
Rumour has it that Nicole Kidman declined to reprise her role from "Dogville" because she was "shocked" at how explicit the sex scene was. So Trier snapped his fingaz and Bryce Dallas appeared.
Of course, does this look like the type of man who would have a Mandingo Fetish? Who would let his daughter be Split In Two by Mandingo? Who would possibly get off as per some sick Incestuous Cuckoldry fetish whilst watching Mandingo split his virginal young daughter In Two?
God damn von Trier and his "pebble in the shoe." It was only a matter of time before he played this card, really.
And who better than Trier, an avowed provocateur, to play The Race Card? It's honestly been a long time coming, and his "America" trilogy gives him the Ideal Opportunity.
Watching this movie, it's easy to see why it didn't get nearly as much publicity as "Dogville." In a way, it was much more controversial than Dogville because of the way it approaches the topic of Race. Issues of Blackness and Whiteness in America. It is not a typical Hollywood or even Spike Lee-ish way of approaching it. I'm sure many people just wished Trier would have steered clear of this issue. "Come on, Trier. Just don't go there. This is none of your business." So, of course, he goes there. Boldly. So boldly that the Politically Correct Amerikkkan Media ended up looking the other way.
He plays with Racial/Racist stereotypes like a Child playing with Play-Doh. He doesn't shy away from having John Hurt repeat the word "Nigger" again and again in his ultra-dignified, grandfatherly, uber-white voice.
And at times, the sarcasm is so dry - esp the final "paragraph" of the film - that you shake your head and laugh and wonder how the hell he can get away with what he just apparently got away with. Then fade to black and roll credits! (Is it at all similar to the ending credits of "Dogville?" Why dontcha watch it and find out, chodney??!!)
Additionally: Back In My Sinister Temps Perdu, I used to live in a Communal House which purported at a kind of social democracy. Manderlay captures that same sense of naive, self-righteous and stubborn idealism. The clear parallel with my own experience was the scene(s) where Grace and the Elder Slave Wilhelm would give "lessons" to the newly-freed slaves about freedom, democracy, shared/communal ownership and cooperation. Okay, so von Trier uses a Sledgehammer, but he certainly does drive the point home.
So yeah. Trier is one of my Personal Favourites, and I would totally buy this movie just so I can have it for whenever I want to watch it. I would buy the majority of Trier's movies for this purpose. (But NEVER "The Element of Crime." Barrrfffff.)
Trier loves his trilogies. Who else has THREE TRILOGIES? There's "Europa", "Gold Heart", and now "America." He's been doing this for 25 years. I honestly fear he doesn't have another Trilogy left in him. So, naturally, the final film of "America" - "Washington" - is gonna be kind of a big deal. That's gonna be another one where I make many field trips to the theater. If it gets played in this damn city.
But it would seem that his next project is "Antichrist" - in which he posits that SATAN CREATED THE WORLD - and not "Washington". So we might have to wait a few more years. Still, if I know von Trier, and I do feel a kind of intimacy with him, I feel that "Washington" might be the strongest of the "America" trilogy, if not one of his Strongest Films Evar. He's smart. He realizes the expectations are high. And he's never blatantly lowered his standards and attempted to pass that off as "provocation". I have faith he's gonna do something ridiculously awesome with "Washington." I am chomping at the bit!
Yes, for all you Trier-haters, "Manderlay" is just as heavy-handed and moralizing and didactic and patronizing as you'd expect. So don't watch it, and don't complain.
You can get DVDs for ridiculously reasonable prices off Amazon. After I get some monay, I'm going on a goddamn SHOPPING SPREE and buying at least 3 Dvds for the Permanent Collection.
Ok, let me just say that Trier is one of my favourite people. I feel that he and I are very much alike, and we would probably get along very well. As such, he's one of the very few "celebrities" I would like to Meet and have Lunch with. Whenever I watch a good Trier movie, I think "Right on. I feel empowered just from LIKING this guy's work. I'm so cool because I Like Trier and No-one else does." So he gives me this cooler-than-thou feeling, like when I felt so L337 for liking Real Doom Metal back in the day. And, though this sounds corny, Trier is a guy who's truly ALIVE, and when I watch his (good, non-"Element-of-Crime") movies, I also feel alive. I have an actual interest in this guy. I will sit there for an hour and read interviews he's given.
Oh yeah. Chloe Sevigny in BLACKFACE. Only in von Trier's Amerikkka!
I am going to see "Washington" more times in-the-theatre than I saw INLAND EMPIRE.
ROCKET SCIENCE: I rented this one from the library because it was about "angsty adolescents" and social-outcast high-school boys and "first love" and had positive reviews from the NYT and was compared to "Welcome to the Dollhouse" and "Rushmore" and "Squid and the Whale." Ok, sold.
It did sound a little too promising.
It was boring as hell. I don't even really want to talk about it. It wasn't TERRIBLE, and it sounds great on paper. The characters were pretty good, the writing was not that bad, it wasn't shoddy looking. It just failed to launch, baby. For me, at least. After 50 minutes I started checking to see how much time was remaining. Then I started fast-forwarding through the parts where noone was saying anything, to make the movie go by faster. Of course it takes 88 minutes for the kid to say anything because he's A Stutterer.
However, it's not the worst, most boring movie I've ever seen. It might be minimally worth-watching if someone can make it worth your while. It was well-boring, though, so I'm not going to dignify it with a moment of thought.
But I do have to thank it for stripping me of my "conscience", so now I feel comfortable fast-forwarding through the most boring bits of movies. Trimmin' the minutes off.
BUKOWSKI POYEM O' THE POST
shit time
half drunk
I left her place
her warm blankets
and I was hungover
didn't even know what town
it was.
I walked along and
I couldn't find my car.
but I knew it was somewhere.
and I was lost
too.
I walked around. it was a
Wednesday morning and I could
see the ocean to the south.
but all that drinking:
the shit was about to pour
out of me.
I walked towards the
sea.
I saw a brown brick
structure at the edge
of the sea.
I walked in. there was an
old guy groaning on one of
the pots.
"hi, buddy," he said.
"hi," I said.
"it's hell out there,
isn't it?" the old guy
asked.
"it is," I answered.
"need a drink?"
"never before noon."
"what time you got?"
"11:58."
"we got two minutes."
I wiped, flushed, pulled up my
pants and walked over.
the old man was still on his pot,
groaning.
he pointed to a bottle of wine
at his feet
it was almost done
and I picked it up and took about
half what remained.
I handed him a very old and wrinkled
dollar
then walked outside on the lawn
and puked it up.
I looked at the ocean the
ocean looked good,
full of blues and
greens and sharks.
I walked back out of there
and down the street
determined to find my automobile.
it took me an hour and 15 minutes
and when I found it
I got in and drove off
pretending that I knew just as much
as the next
man.
THINGS I LIKE
I did give plaudits to something or another somewhere up above, but since I'm a slave to Form, I'm sure I can plumbs the depths of my Joie-De-Vivre to find a few more of my favourite things. Trying to stay off Music, because I've been leaning on Music too much lately in TIL. (Of course, when I like a band/musician, then they must be good, because most bands/musicians/music is/are so damn dickless.)
Uh. In addition to Hannah Montana I also like Wizards of Waverly Place and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
I like Dollar Tuesdays and seeing two ridiculous movies in a row at the Reasonably-Priced Cinema. No shit.
I like saying "No shit, you stupid bitch!" to people that will never hear me.
I like having a new job where people aren't screaming and busting my balls nonstop, and they even say encouraging things during my training. I like that I can getawaywith wearing sneakers and jeans and possibly even growing a beard. I like that it's de rigeur for people to chillax sometimes on-the-job by doing puzzles and checking their email and (non-social-networking) websites.
I like to drink One Liter of Tea Per Day. Maybe even more. This eliminates the need for drinking more than one (strong) cup of coffee per day. Which is good on the ol' guts.
I like getting (nice) comments once a month or so.
I like fast-forwarding through boring parts of movies the first time I see them, and still feeling more-than-qualified to say I "saw" the movie well enough to give it a Real, Honest Review.
I like church organs. Although who doesn't?
I Really like being the most enthusiastic von Trier fan I know.
I generally like people who don't list books, movies, or music on myspace.
I like people who support population control and birth control.
I like abortion. I'm pro-abortion.
GHEY SURVHEY
Some habits are unfortunately rather hard to break. Christ I hope this isn't as bad as it gets.
What is the most unique thing about you? So it is going to be pretty bad.
Has anyone ever asked you if you were retarded? And then I did something violent, etc
Who was the last person you were in a fight with?
When I was young, I taunted my friend and we got into a mini-fight. These days I don't fight much. In Summer 2007 I visited an old housemate of mine and we almost got into a fight with some ethnic types who were idling their car in front of the house until I took the baseball bats away and defused the situation. I have also waged wars-of-nerves before. Psychological and Emotional Warfare: More than just a Grudge. Stupid, but in hindsight, hilarious.
Where do you spend the majority of your time?
In my haus, I suppose. Would that I could spend 100 hours a week at Employment, making monay.
What is your favorite name for a girl? Little Cumchugger, Little Cumburper, Li'l Pissgargler, Nigger-Piece-of-Shit, Shit-Slut, Satan's Whore, Worthless Cocksucker, Fuckhole, Hole, etc. But seriously. I hate dumb names on girls. If a girl has a dumb name I probably won't get along with her.
Favorite name for a boy? I like good strong traditional names on boys. Not gay hippy names.
How many texts have you sent/received today? Nihil
What kind of car do you have? Dodge
What do you love about your car? I don't really love anything about cars. I like that mine still functionsthx.
What color is your car? red wine
How many windows are in your house? I built a Doom level .wad file based off my house in 1998 using the DEU program. That was some SHIT-HOT SICKNAZZ. I built the shit-hottest Doom .wads (i.e., "levels.") I can't believe I lost them.
Are you hated or a hater? A fair amount of both, Chod.
How tall are you? According to my driver's license, I am 5'9". This resulted in my license being confiscated by a gay bald bouncer one night. Then I beat the shit out of him.
Who has been the most influential person in your life? I have been influenced by more people than one might initially think.
What song are you totally sick of? Most songs are boring, but I'm of course physically sickened by the "Detroit Car Auction.com" ska-ish TV jingle.
Who are you totally sick of? "I don't hate people. I just feel better when they're not around." -Chinaski
If you could buy anything, what would it be? "Thing" implying material object, I presume. I dunno. an Ipod. a new computer. a Synthesizer. One of those Tascam doohickeys. a new car. a Haus. A Ukrainian Slave. Some dvds.
Who do you spend the most time with? My Self, thank You!
Favorite sports team? Not my forte.
Who do you work for? I am now proudly employed by the Library. You ain't seen nothin' yet, baby.
What do you do there? Chill out, make small talk, help people, tactfully deflect certain conversations
What is your favorite club/bar? I'd be interested in finding one some day.
How do you deal with stupid people? Rape, Murder, Violence, etc
What song do you HAVE to hear there? Hear Where? in the "club?" I like that rap song where the Negro says "in the cluuub" in a very uneducated-sounding manner.
Do people take advantage of you? Rape, Murder, Violence, etc.
What show on TV do you always turn off? EWTN, Fox News.
What cell phone are you dying to have? I guess I wouldn't mind one with a camera, because I'd like a camera.
Who was the first boy/girl you fell in love with? Petty Bourgeois Invention Next Question.
Why do you take these surveys? Just an alcohol-free way of killing time between one foot in front of the other. I guess I should really be napping or watching movies or playing an instrument or going for a brisk jog or something else uh?
Who do you really miss? Undignifywitharesponsible.
Besides your drivers ed instructor, who taught you to drive? My father took me to the cemetery so we could practice driving at 10 mph down the little streets. Not a bad idea!
Do you wish you could be a kid again? Meh. I wasn't anywhere near as cool as I was when I grew up.
Everyone has a crazy aunt or uncle, tell me about yours: They're actually reassuringly normal.
What causes you the most stress? Nothing srs, just day-to-day existential fluff
If you only had .00 in your wallet, what would you spend it on? It honestly said ".00". What a BLOCKHEAD.
Would you consider yourself sarcastic?
Tell me about the best job you ever had? When I was a Research Assistant in a Prestigious Department of Psychology, that was S.Hot. I'm glad to say that my New Job doesn't seem that godawful, though.
Do you lick your plate when you're finished eating? Fucking idiots.
What is the best flavor of kool aid? I don't drink that shit, too many empty calories. Although I used to drink The Ghostbusters "Ecto Cooler" Hi-C juice boxes.
Who has disappointed you most in your life? this survhey really is really ghey.
What is your favorite board game? DRUNK CHESS!!!!!!!!!1111111
Do you get mad if you lose? DRUNK VIOLENCE FTW
Who is someone that can push your buttons the most? Bitches! Bitches Be Bitches!
Could you live without cheese? OMG I JUST COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT CHEESE. Stupid Bitch.
Who is the best cook you know? Don't these survhey writers realize how many people's feelings they hurt with these "who" questions?
If you could eliminate one word from the english vocabulary, what would it be? "viciousrape"
Is there anything you think is over rated? Am I sarcastic?
Are you at work right now? I'm much more professional than that. Piece of shit.
Are you going to take another survey after this? Siggghhh.
WORKS CITED
Gottman, J.M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5-22.
Amn't I just a HANDFUL?
Apparently there's a way to do the equivalent of an Lj-Cut on Blogspot, but it's waaay too fucking convoluted. Otherwise I'd def do it to it.
So maybe this wasn't the greatest SIBHoD ever, but I argue it was significant for:
1. introducing the phrase "shit-hot" to the lexxxicon (and re-introducing the old classic "shit-slut")
2. discussing Mandingo-cum viz-a-vis von Trier
3. heralding several Big Changes for the next SIBHoD
4. No spelling or grammar mistakes
5. Roundly-, reasonably-, and responsibly-argued points, e.g. The Lighter Side Of: Rape, Intelligence Tests & Condoms
6. great Bukowski poyem
7. Pleasantly-Surprisingly Little Censorship
8. Fuckin' Kick-fuckin'-ass Screen-Captures and other Images
9. No excessive Youtube embeds
10. 9 Reasons are more than enough to qualify as a SIBHoD to be reckoned with.
You do this every week,
Have another nice week, Sinister Readers, and try not to murder your dysfunctional families over T-Giving.
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