K. von C. finally gets a J.O.B.

Not bad uh? It's ON, son. I go into a more in-depth discussion somewhere in this post. Which is less ridic than last week's post, thx. Well, slightly less ridic. This time, I was a bit more rigorous with the "Censored" feature. My new Rule-O'-Thumb is, and I'd think any reasonable person would agree, "If you have to think about censoring it, then for god's sakes, just censor it."





i. there is nothing / i enjoy more / in this world / than the feel / and the taste / of rich spunk

If I were to give any advice to the perplexed or the distressed, it would be this: become a workaholic. You just can't go wrong. That is one hell of a healthy obsession, if you're so unfortunately inclined to "need" something so all-consuming in your life. Don't drink and destroy your liver. Don't eat and become a fat fuck. Don't fuck willy-nilly and get cock/cunt cancer or superaids. Don't smoke 10 packs of cigarettes a day. Don't shoot heroin into your eyeballs. Don't read RWCP for 6,000,000 hours a day. If there's a void in your life that needs to be filled, for god's sake, fill it with Work. Your boss will love you and you will get paid and you'll take your mind off that void. It's a win-win-win.

Which makes these economic times all the more tragic. You can't become a workaholic even if you Want to, because the work just isn't there. So the temptation of cheap whisky or fried chicken or mindkilling movies is always very real.

Seriously. Folks need money more than they need anything. People are desperate. They will work their balls off for a few extra bucks. They will neglect their idiot families to work holiday retail, and they will be lucky to have those jobs. Our city/state's economy is based in the automotive sector, and since that is in steady (possibly accelerating!) decline, this region will continue to go down the fucking toilet, more people will lose their homes, and competition for these hallowed, coveted $7-an-hour retail jobs will become fiercer and fiercer.

So, shit. If I can get into the Library, I'll work there for 100 hours a week. I'll live there and sleep on a little cot in the boiler room. I don't have idiot babies. I don't have a Little Lady at home. If a person is smart, they get the hell out of here when they're young, like the kids I went to kollige with.

If I were working 100 hours a week, I would consider smoking Medical Marihuana. It makes movies and music 6,000,000 times more fun, and it's not as harrowing as alcohol. It can make one really paranoid and antisocial, though, so that's the caveat.. And if you get used to smoking it every day, then you become Permanervous. So I'd limit it to every other day at most. Problem Solved.

I'm starting to wonder if chocolate syrup has some sort of stomach-soothing properties, because ever since I've started putting it in my coffee, the coffee has wreaked less havoc on my stomach.

Cold out there! The brisk jogs are creeping to a minimum because it's really just too....brisk out there.

The real funny thing is, I'll guzzle coffee and tea to "wake up" and still be ready for a nap by 3 pm. And even if I have coffee after dinner and drink a bunch of tea, I'll be easily falling asleep by midnight. That's kinda good, I guess, but I would like to be able to have more energy if the situation ever favoured it. I'd hate to take a Smart Young Human out to dinner and then fall asleep atop my Fried Chicken.

I don't really Belong or Fit In in this dying rust belt city, but it's not so simple to get out, either. If I went somewhere else, I could probably find an environment where I fit in better, and work a job with other Smrt Young People and get respected, but...it's not as fucking simple as packing up your bags and moving to chicago or something. I have a friend in Brooklyn who tells me to come move out there and become a bartender.

But that just ain't gonna happen right now. My financial situation is the absolute antithesis of stable; My sense of competence/confidence has been eroded to nothingness by being unable to successfully perform a job, and I haveflushed the last three years down the proverbial toilet. To be honest, this is kind of a vulnerable time for me, and I just don't think that if I cavalierly moved to Chicago, that I'd be able to charm my way into making some sort of living. Fuck, man.

But honestly, folks. Let's stop the pity party right here. Just stop the train right here and get the hell off it. And get back to the jokkkes.

So, didja hear the one about the Unqualified Nigger that stole the hardworking white man's job from him because of Affirmative Blacktion?

Oh wait, that's not a joke.

Okay, I can see you need to Cry Your Eyes out. How about "A Little Rain" by everyone's favourite TW? (never mind the gay video.)


So there are some shitty-ass movies at the Cheap Theater. I can't wait until they get "The Dark Knight", hopefully pretty soon. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up seeing that one 3 times. Not that I've a hardon for "The Dark Knight." It just seems like an awesome way to kill 2 and a half hours for 2 and a half bucks, and it would probz be 2 and a half times more entertaining than the shite they've been playing lately. I saw "Ghost Town" for the second time the other night. It's actually pretty good. Touching.

But I'm not complaining, really. I've just an aversion to sitting around my house for whatever reason. So I go enjoy myself at the Cheap Theater, then come back nice and sleepy, watch an episode or two of "Hannah Montana" or "The Office", and fall the fuck asleep. Not bad!

Honestly, folks, the solution here is not so complicated at all. Just move to Chicago, get a nice 9 to 5 job in an office, find a nice deal on a little place in a nice neighborhood, start saving some money, make the most out of my Health Care and get a good Dosage of Supervalium going, take some classes at U of C, go out on the town a few nights to the movies and the soccer pubs with young College kids, and roll with that for a few months, eh? Get my head together. SO SIMPLE! SO EASY! WHY HAVEN'T I EVER THOUGHT OF THAT?

Kids who actually do this often take the whole goddamn ball of wax for granted. I've only been blessed with learning that valuable lesson because I used to be That Dumb Kid who took my whole goddamn ball of wax for granted. There's that "karma".

What did we say about Debbie Downer, though? No-one wants to be around a Sad Sack who's always complaining and not being very funny and fun! These people just aren't cool!

I think I'm finally starting to embrace Portishead's "Third." Its unsettling, uneasy, tense mood is a natural transition from their second album "Portishead", and perfectly accompanies the transition of the seasons from autumn to winter, if I do say so myself.

I'm also expanding my Massive Attack collection. Cheel!

Hah. So much of this post is gonna get censored by Sunday there's going to be nothing left.

If I get this library job, and I certainly hope I do, but I don't want to JINX it, I want to hit the proverbial ground running. I want to be everybody's favourite person right from the beginning. So it never gets to the point where things are awkward and uncomfortable like they were with my previous jobs. I want everybody to love me. I'm looking for a wiki-how on how to do this, because it's been forever since I was in such a position, and it's been forever since I had the chance to start again, and I do not want to blow it.

If I were working 100 hours a week, I'd make enough money to move out to a small place. Fancy that.

Man. "Traitor", "Death Race", or "The Longshots." I swear to Christ, they get the WORST movies at this goddamn theater. I wouldn't have minded seeing that Woody Allen movie at some point. But no. They only have the world's biggest pieces of steaming crap that anyone with half a brain cell would never want to see. I'd rather see a fucking M. Night Shyamalan movie. I'm just looking for something to do with my time that doesn't involve sitting at home watching a TV screen. It's getting too cold to walk around outside, I don't have a 100 hour a week job, I can't get drunk, I can't smoke Medical Marihuana, I can't go to school because I don't have a job and there really aren't any classes I want to take anyway, etc etc etc.

Maybe I should go to the mall and linger creepily around and offer to buy alcohol for skanky high school girls and then get them pregnant. Being a father might give me a sense of purpose.

Holy shit. I think The Dark Knight is coming on Friday. I am so there.

Circuit City is in Bankruptcy and is closing a few of their local locations. Might not have the best chance of getting a job there, then.

Hoo boy. I just got called for a Second Interview for the College Library Job. Yikes. They have certainly received my Thank You / Follow Up letter by now. This can only mean that I am in the final running. That they have narrowed it down to maybe 3 people. Or maybe they've already narrowed it down to just me and "Second Interview" means they're going to offer me the job. Who knows. The point is, I'm gonna have to wrangle up a new shirt'n'tie here. Holy Shite.

I might go to the Faraway Cheap Theater tonight and see a movie they don't have at the Nearby one. Like Babylon AD or Mirrors. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT A WORLD.

It's weird not having any bars you really like. The one bar I would actually like loses points because it's hella expensive and it's always a fucking boorfest. Middle-aged east-side Men trying to escape their dumb wives'n'lives. The places on the West Side with Actual People are all loud and smoky and crowded and claustrophobia-inducing. And often just straight-up obnoxious. There's some OK places in the city, but mustering up the energy to drive down there is a rarity. Plus they often get loud, crowded, and obnoxious too. I like going to Mug Night and getting 50 oz Mugs of beer for 2 to 3 bucks, but the downside is that the place is packed with Total Douchebags.

The Chicken and the Egg, The Cart and the Horse. I want to be more interested in people, but I find people too goddamn excruciatingly boring to be interested in.





ii. interviewer: "so, tell me about your cock!"

So here's what I'd do: I'd roll up 2 conical spliffs with a mix of Lite Tobacco. Then I'd embark on the Really Scenic 25 mph Route to the Cheap Theater. Ideally My tape player would be fixed. Or I'd have an mp3 player, and I'd play some music whilst driving that I actually want to listen to. Fancy that! Something chill. Maybe some Massive Attack, heheh. Who knows. It'd be good, that's for certain. I'd crank up the music and drive down the trafficless streets and take my good ol' time getting out there, slowly burning down the spleezy.

By the time I get to the movie theater, I'm proper. Maybe I get a little nervous as I go inside and see the people, but then start to chill out as the movie starts. Have the entertainment value of the movie "enhanced". Then, when I get out of the movie at 11-12, I smoke the 2nd one on the Scenic Route back home, and then chillaxedly go to bed and watch another movie, or a fun TV show like House or Hannah Montana or The Office. Then wake up feeling like a Billion Buck$.


There's like at least 5 to 10 people who kinda-sorta have blogs that I'd like to read, but they neverevereverevereverevereverever post. Among 10 people, there's like a grand total of ONE POST per month. This lack of activity is just boring me to tears! Write about taking a dump or eating a fucking sandwich, I don't care, but write Something!

Of course, I'm partially imposing my own worldview on them: "If one doesn't write, one will go stark raving MAD" which obviously does not apply to others, because they do not write, and they do not go mad. And what happens to me if I write all the time?

But see, the thing is, if I get this ingloriously-paying job (crosses fingers!) my gameplan is to use it as a springboard to pick up at least another 10 hours a week with another PT job. Only then will I be working the 40 hours a week I need to justify a number of things to myself.

Doctor! Doctor! (SO censored)

I'm having one of those days where every paragraph I write turns out to be Censored. Damn.

Yeah. How bout that Obama.

Yeah. How bout your awesome job SON?

So. Get any Hot Action lately, son?

Oh, a Medical Billing Assistant! Impressive, brah!

I wish those library people had just offered the job to me over the phone. I hate jumping through hoops.

Yeah, I should go to the movie even though I'm a little tired. I'll just drink some tea. "It's something to do." Get out of the house, you know. Even though I could be using that time to watch an actually GOOD movie here at home, I dunno. Getting out of here is just THAT important to me.

Hmm. It's 4 pm and will be dark soon. I'm getting a little bit sleepy. The idea of driving out the theatre is seeming more and more ludicrous. But I'm gonna do it anyway.

I might just have to do a double-header Terrible Movie Marathon Madness tonight at the Moar Geto Cheap Show. I'm thinking "Traitor" followed by "Mirrors". I'm totally doing the Godawful Movie Double-Header. Maybe I'm crabby today because I drank HALF of ONE BEER yesterday.

I think more people should be killing themselves. Why isn't there more suicide in this world? Huh? Are people THAT satisfied? Or are they just pussies who are too afraid to go through with it?

Okay. Today I appear incapable of writing a paragraph that is kosher and non-censored. I am going a bit stir-crazy as well.





v. "my pee-pee is hardening for your cunt"

Well. Feeling a little bit better today. After considerable consideration, I've concluded I really don't want the SIBHoD to flirt so much with the Uncensored. Come on. Let's do something productive herre. Let's give 'em Service With a Smile. Make the Kids Laff. Save the Uncensored stuff for the Priest.

Good news: Second Library Interview Happened. I got a little nervous and babbled briefly on two occasions (nervous tongue-tying), so I hope that doesn't qualify as "BOMBING", but if you don't get nervous on an interview, your whole fucking family should be lined up in front of a firing squad and ruthlessly gunned down. You should watch your own mother get slowly, torturously murdered.

What about all those overeducated neurotic awkward Jewrgoise types? Could you imagine somebody from a Noah Baumbach movie interviewing for a job where you have to have some sort of "people skills?" Yet it happens. Being a pretty girl helps, I'd imagine.

Being without a steady job for so long, and being incompetent at your last two steady jobs, and bombing interview after interview slowly builds up to give you a generally, pervasive sense of IMPOTENCE. It's not a good feeling, I'll just say that. IMPOTENCE and INCOMPETENCE. No-one wants to feel like that, especially for an extended period of time. The End.

So, crossing the fingaz. They said to call them tomorrow morning. I take that as a good sign, because if they didn't want to hire me, they might say "we'll send you a letter next week" or something, so they wouldn't have to TELL ME they're rejecting me. Who knows. It just seems the Rule of Thumb is that once you get to The Second Interview level, that means they're down to about 3 or 4 "Candidates." I dunno. I never had a Second Interview in my life, and all the stuff I could find off teh intranets made all Second Interviews sound like the "Real Jobs" I was talking about in the last post. You know, you're going to PwC or Bear Sterns or Microsoft or god knows what and getting grilled by 10 people all day long. Nope. I just had two nice middle-aged ladies for 30 minutes.

New movies coming to the Cheep Cinema Tomorrow: The Dark Knight, My Best Friend's Girl, Miracle at Santa Anna. And I'm going to see them all.

Pretty much all of my friends have lives that are in complete and utter chaos right now. There is no stability. No anchor. This is quite the existential Hurricane, baby. We are all going to have stay strong here. We'll survive somehow. By staying strong. Yegods.

I'd like to find a Bar I can call my own. There's two places I normally go: one is expensive and a older, east-side masculine-heavy crowd, the other is reasonably priced and filled with young "coed" people, but it's way too crowded and noisy. Hmm. I've mentioned this about 6,000,000 times, haven't I. Well it's true. I would like to find someplace new. Someplace Chill and not Choked with people, but where there's still a decent amount of Under-30s, where there's
1. Room to sit down with your friends
2. It's not too loud where you can't have a conversation.
3. Cheap Drinks would be a big plus. But I can always sneak cheap whisky in mah pocket, haha. In my College Town, some places would be "Old Town" or "Del Rio".

It's a proven Scientific Fact: Men have the peak of their libido in the Morning right around the time they wake up. Hence the phenomenon of "Morningwood". Hence why maybe a dude might not be so libidinous at the end of a long day. Or in the middle of a long day.

Damn. I get tired as a mug in the middle of the day, around dinner. I wanted to go for an actual Brisk Jog today, and I have stuff due at the library today that I have to take back. But it's 5 o clock and I just want to take a Nap. Jesus. I got up at the atrociously late hour of 9 am, too.

Did you know some guys actually prefer Dumb girls to Smart girls? Something about them being "Less Threatening". I just don't get it at all. I just find Dumb People to be Boring and No Fun to Hang Out With. And also very hard to Respect. This is what happens when you're a Gender Egalitarian, I guess. My general rule of thumb is: if someone's not fun to hang out with, then I don't fucking hang out with them. Genitalia/gender NOTWITHSTANDING.

Maybe what I need is a nice big rail o' COCAINE first thing in the morning. Instead of groggily reaching for the disgusting room-temperature coffee, I could just groggily lean over and blow a big fat line. That would get me outta bed at 9am, I tell you what.

I don't like stimulants and I've never tried COCAINE, but I'm finding myself requiring shitloads of coffee to get from one end of the day to the other. I could easily drink 60 oz of coffee a day.

Sometimes I can be pretty adaptive. Other times I can't see the obvious solution right in front of my face, and so I don't adapt.

Seriously, peeps. There's not much you can do around here BUT 1. go to work 2. watch movies 3. go to the bar. Maybe I'll join a "social movement" and meet people "I have stuff in common with." HA! Shyeah Right! I meet about one person I have something in common with every 6,000,000 years. If I could smoke marihuana without consequence, that would make the boring a lot more bearable. I'd smoke a huge spliff right now and go see "Journey to the Center of the Earth" or something. As it is, I'm just going to go to the library and rent a few movies and smoke some cigarettes.





iii. FTWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW4444444444444GGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

The day I never thought would come has finally come. Yes, that's right. I, Kenneth von Classwar, just got a call from the Library in which they officially "offered [me] the position." I had been crossing my fingers, and I had a 50.1% good feeling, but to actually get the confirmation is earthshattering in the best possible way. I have been trying to get a goddam job for so fucking long it's ridiculous. I won't even say how long it's been, that's how ridiculous it is. In the Grand Scheme of Thangs, Getting A Job was the First Baby Step; then Kiss-ass Classes, then Money Saving, then Grad School Apps, then Actual Grad School Classes, then the Advanced Degree, then a Real Job, then the Apartment, then Fiscal and Existential Responsibility and Autonomy, then [ {3N50R3D ].

I had the rudiments of this plan figured out several years ago. I never imagined how christlessly, infuriatingly, frustratingly difficult that very first step would become. I've stumbled over that First Step for a long time, rotating from Neurosis-Inducing Gay Semi-Employment to Gaping Abysses of Unemployment, all punctuated by some Furious Drinking and a constant Winsome Nostalgia for The Good Old Days. And now, for the first time in years, I actually Passed the Interview Process; and I'm faced with a Job Opportunity that doesn't strike dread deep in my soul. This is actually non-ghey. Things haven't been this non-ghey since...I dunno, early 200[cens] maybe, when everything seemed to be Comin' Up Classwar. Looks like I'm making my Big Comeback, Baby. It has been a long time coming, but I believe it will be a force to be reckoned with. Shit yeah.

Interestingly enough, I also got a call from Blockbuster last night. I might even "Nip it in the Bud" while I'm feeling somewhat successful here and see if I can score THAT job too. Ya know, pick up an extra 10 - 20 hours or something. Money in the Bank. Takin' Dames Out To Dinner. Workaholism here I come!

You can't just drink coffee and immediately feel awake and alert. It takes at least 15 minutes to get into your system and start working, if not 30. In other words, it doesn't hurt to set the alarm clock 30 minutes earlier than what you have it set at, so you can be semi-functioning enough to stagger out of bed at the time you actually want to Get Up. I am The World's Worst Morning Person. I know I joked about Using Cocaine to Wake Up, but honestly the Coffee is not cutting it any more. I might switch to Red Bull Lite.




iv. "i don't date a girl unless she's jerkofftoable"

I had a weird dream last night. In it I was waiting in a cavernous, empty house with some people; waiting excitedly for some old Schoolfriends of mine to arrive. Here's the weird part: when this one female friend of mine arrived, she did not look like her; rather, she had the body/face/etc of this woman I had """dated (?)""" around the time we all knew each other. But I wasn't surprised or anything. I still called her by her (my Friend's) real name and treated her as if she actually were my woman-friend, because, in the dream, that's who she was. I didn't recognize or acknowledge her as "The Ex" whatsoever: I didn't say, "Holy Shit, (Friend's Name), why the hell do you look like ("Ex")?" It simply didn't register because it was understood that wasn't actually who she looked like. Weird, uh?

This should really be censored, but it got me to thinking about Body and Mind again.

Anyway, I don't particularly care about women and I certainly don't put them on a pedestal (that's creepy, wrong, and, most importantly, stupid); however, I do sometimes think about women/sexuality-as-research-topics ("Womenology", "Gender Relations and Socialization," "Feminism," "Interpersonal Interactions", "Evolutionary Psychology", "Sexual Selection", "Relationship Counselling", "Courtship.Mating Rituals") and have what I'd call a natural heterosexual curiosity in the opposite sex. This might be my Final Stumbling Block: Desire. Curiosity. Thinking. There's more important things in this world to think about than Girls. Like Bach.




David Gilmour is a Great, Kickass, Admirable, Respectable, Awesome, Top-O-The-Line Guitar Player, but you just cannot have Pink Floyd without Roger Waters. So fuck that live-album bullshit that calls itself "Pink floyd." I just realized this might be a "wtf" moment considering the Andres Segovia above. They're Both good Guitar Players, thx.

I was recently watching an interesting PBS Documentary called "Men Get Depression". As a Licensed Counselor, of course, this is exactly the type of stuff of which I need to stay abreast. Shockingly, I found myself contributing to the Stigma of Mental Illness by thinking : "Why the hell are these men depressed? They're successful, they have good jobs which they're able to perform competently, they have loving wives who they also seem to love. I'd like to see them last one day without either of those things, without blowing their brains out."

Which, of course, is nothing more than an extension of the "why are you complaining? You don't have it so bad!" Stigma that most Normal People condemn most Depressed People with.

So that was eye-opening. And a bit sobering, to see that this condition can afflict somebody even when they have achieved "substantial" goals in Work and Love. There's no hiding from the proverbial Black Dog, it seems.

It's great when you look at MySpace just as an experiment to see if people even EXIST that you might consider interesting or hangoutwithable or wannagettoknowable, but every goddam person has something immediately dealbreakingly LAME right on their profile. Less is more, people! Less is more! Tattoos are lame! Detroit is Gay! God is not great! Nickelback should never be mentioned! Marilyn Manson was NEVER cool, least of all now! I look at these people and automatically feel so superior, so much cooler, that I want to go rock out and blatantly show people how much cooler I am than them.

Also, I hate it when people/women are so obsessed with their eyebrows that they're always constantly plucking/waxing them, and so then they look all blatantly sculpted. I would prefer that a woman had a FUCKING UNIBROW rather than that ultra-fake "high-maintenance" look. Jeeziz.

Warning: here's a "This is how men are, and this is how women are" tirade that's misogynistic, sexist, and should arguably be censored. I've censored so much already. Why am I even THINKING about leaving it in?

Because: even though the following generalization IS sexist, you cannot deny we live in a sexist society; THAT's where this generalization comes from. Stuff like this might not happen all the time, but it does happen enough. Why it happens is because of deep-seated sexism, patriarchy, gender inequality, etc, and the following phenomena have the doubly-damning effect of
1. making men hate women more, AND
2. making this hatred seem "natural" and "justified." "They bring it on themselves! She was asking for it!"

We can stand boldly against these gender "rules", but it will certainly require courage.

These generalizations Demonize women, and make them the Enemy; they unfairly portray a Big Bad Woman against a Poor, Raw-Wronged, Morally-Decent Underdog Man.

End Warning, Begin Tirade:

Nevermind. I censored it. The gist was: "women are Pure Evil because they mistake Rape-Seeking Behaviour and Drunken Douchebaggery for 'confidence', but because they can use their Pussy-as-a-Reward then they're actually redefining what 'confidence' means; and they're Pure Evil because of their 'one strike and you're out' policy; and they're Pure Evil because if a man takes 5 minutes to get to know them as-a-person and not-as-a-mere-fuckhole (Personality Compatability Test) then the woman permanently Locks the man into the "Friend Zone" and he can't get out no matter HOW genuinely cool and smooth and Perfect he is because of the aforementioned "ONE STRIKE" rule. Women are to be blamed for Rape; they pretty much force men to rape them because they're so ballbustingly unreasonably stupid and evil."

I guess giving "the gist" of stuff I censored really doesn't count as "censoring" it, does it. HA!

Being a Pick-Up-Tutor would be really fucking simple. All you need to know is:
1. Flirt
2. Don't Be Creepy.
And then you pull pussy. Simple. Cakewalk The reason most AFC's can't pull is because they're not following one (or both!) of those laughably obvious rules.

Idiot: "Well, Classwar, if you're such an expert, then how come you aren't getting Action RIGHT NOW? Doesn't that make You an AFC?"

Response :::HUGEBLACKDICKSLAP!::: You'd better get that taste outcha mouth right now, little bitch.
Here's the difference, Chongo: AFC's are Frustrated because they see "all these hot girls" and they (the AFCs) can't seem to break their nasty bad socially-awkward women-repelling habits, thus they can't "pull" these girls. Conversely: The Monist, more often than not, would say: "WHAT cute girls? Sorry, brah, but I have Standards!"

Idiot: "Yeah, ridiculously unreasonably unliveuptoably HIGH st-"
::GETS HEAD IMPALED ON HUGEBLACKDICK::

Cliche-lovers say you "make your own luck", but what if you're unlucky-at making-your-own-luck? Assertiveness and Proactiveness just ain't enough sometimes. Sometimes you need a Little Extra Something from Lady Luck. She can make it or break it. And that's pretty gay.

Although Miley Cyrus has been having these "Sweet 16" birthday TV specials and whatnot on the Disney Channel, don't worry. It's not actually/really her birthday, which is indeed the same day as mine. I was right!

AAAAAAAGGGGGH There is a Hannah Montana MOVIE coming out next year. April 10. My prayers have been answered! I am gonna see that one SO many times, it's gonna be creepy.

Friday Night Dreams: Here's some weird stuff. I was having a slumber party in the living room of a house. There were at least two other people: one was a petite brunette, cute and nonobnoxious, the other was a young man who reminded me somewhat of this young man I almost became friends with in 06-07: I saw him at "work" and I liked his smart mind and his leftist politics and his work-ethic and we had some good solid convos, and we really should have hung-out a lot more, but I was pretty neurotic at the time and let him slip away. Anyway.

So we're all out for a brisk jog on some forest path, and I'm just about to collapse, so I convince the people to sit down and take a brief breather. At this point, I and the brunette scoot closer to each other: there seems to be some sort of semi-mysterious "magnetism" between us. Eventually we are holding hands. That was a bit electric. Then after a few minutes of nervously holding her hand rather motionlessly, I remembered that you had to act normal or else you'd Fail the hand-holding test. So I introduced other forms of touching as well.

Later at night we were in the living room watching tv or something, and we ended up holding-hands again under the blanket. This I took as a good sign - so it wasn't just a one-time thing. At some point she put one of my fingers in her mouth. This got me both hot and nervous.

I received a "transmission" or "heard it through the grapevine" that she was "kindof a slut" and that she "fucked every guy she met" and then she lost all interest in them immediately after fucking them. Which explained why it seemed other guys didn't seem to like her that much. Yet I was kinda excited, as I was receiving what seemed like genuine interest/attention. It was a harbinger of what was going to happen to me: I could either get angry at her, or I could just ignore her like all the other guys did. The latter seemed to be the "healthier" (and indeed, more popular) choice. Still, I was a bit upset, because she didn't seem like "that kind" of girl at all. She seemed like a real nice, sweet girl. But I guess she had Reel Big Issues.

So we didn't end up Fucking, and at some point the girl went to her bedroom, and I was just hanging out with the guy. I looked at the piles of CDs he had and noticed that he had a lot of the same CD's I had, CD's that I had also brought over for some reason.

Ones that I remember were several EYEHATEGOD albums including "Take as needed for pain" and "dopesick," and most memorably, THERGOTHON "Stream from the Heavens" of which there was a total of 3 copies. We talked about THERGOTHON as I tried to figure out which one was mine and which ones were his.

THERGOTHON is SO kvlt. Waaay too fucking kvlt for U.S. Coast-Dwelling "Metal-Hipsters."

"Elemental."


Another dream: I was at home. I had two friends over, guys I pretty-well trust. My parents were out of town. (I usually don't have people over unless the rents are out of town.) So I get tired and go to sleep and the guys still haven't left yet, which is kinda weird. When I wake up in the morning, I can hear my parents have returned home. To my horror, there is a young man sleeping on the floor of my bedroom. I have never seen him before in my life. He appears to be "sleeping something off", probably a mix of booze and benzos. I panic. Somehow he manages to get out of there without being noticed.

I learn from my parents that after I fell asleep, there had been a bunch of people over, including a young ~18 year old girl who had fucked two or more guys on a couch. And Somehow my parents knew about that. I was horribly embarrassed and explained that I hadn't had a "party", I only invited two people over, and they must have been responsible for all these ragamuffins coming in while I was sleeping. I didn't have a damn thing to do with any of this shit. I didn't even know about it until know. I think I felt a little guilty, though, because I had been getting drunk, so I wasn't just innocently "sleeping", I was in fact "passing out", so I had that Guilt-ridden Hangover goin' on.

This was the most realistic part of the dream(s), i.e., I was convinced that this Party Actually Happened. In My House. Thank Christ it didn't.

The one other "dream" I remember was that I was reading a list of rather obscure GREish vocab words and I was surprised to see that one of the words was the surname of a person I knew. The word was an adjective meaning "evil mastermind/genius, the embodiment of pure evil, scheming, conniving, villainous, absolutely not to be trusted, etc." and that I did not take as a good sign. And I don't even think the person IRL was any of those things. (or DO I?) Reallllly weird.

Warning: With all the talk of "The Uncensored Post", you might think that I'm actually planning to post such a thing, maybe as sort of a "Holiday/End of The Year 'Bonus'". Don't count on it, baby. Just don't count on it.





v. take a long pull from the ol' piss-pump, baby

MOOVIES

EAGLE VS SHARK. I had high hopes for this one, if not high expectations. It failed to deliver, and was quite disappointing. I liked both of the main characters: Jemaine from "Flight of the Conchords" is a funny lad, and the young lady was absolutely adorable. This movie had a ton of potential and, IMHO, it failed to live up to it. It had too much of the "Napolean Dynamite / Autistic" thing going on, and I don't pverly care for that. I just wanted a simple nerdy love story. It was sorta interesting how much of an irredeemable asshole Jemaine was, but I woulda preferred that his character were more...I dunno. Not such a prick. There's the implication that everyone is sorta "broken" in a way, with their gay lives and their dysfunctional families, and this was pertinent, and I don't think it was "fleshed out" as well as it could have been. Moar unrealized potential. If you want a "quirky" love story between two outcasts/taciturn types, watch "the man without a past." That one actually works. I was hoping E vs S might be a Good girly movie, but alack: It was just a submediocre Girl movie.

TRAITOR: Yep. I decided to make the pilgrimage to the Even Moar Cheeper Cinema this week. I was fucking blown away by the 1.50 ticket price. I just might have to make this my primary go-to theatre. It was Wacky Wednesday with Movie Marathon Madness. That's something of my own creation. It's where I go to two movies back-to-back on Wednesday. It takes a bit of fortitude and stamina. Some cigarettes and some tea. "Traitor" was the first I saw. It was pretty good. Not great. Riveting international espionage as I described it earlier. Don Cheadle's all-right, as usual. Guy Pearce was pretty good. Lots of globetrotting to keep the attention from wavering. Some decent terrorism. Watchable, which is a compliment for a 2 hour movie. I'm not at all compelled to comment on it, however. Pretty pedestrian. Yawn.

Then I went and saw MIRRORS. I liked this one much more than Traitor. I liked it much more than I thought I would. It was also too long at 2 hours, but I was hooked from beginning to end. I love stupid horror sometimes. This qualified in spades. A troubled ex-cop gets a job as a night watchman at a vacant, burned-out department store. So you get the creepy deserted building. ALWAYS a good thing. You get "funny" things happening in mirrors. Moar Kudos. You get paranoia and isolation in the main character, Kiefer Sutherland, who also screams "FUCK!!" on occasion, and some violent nude death action, some edge-of-the-seat-action, some psych ward action, etc. This one hit quite a few green lights. I'm glad I stuck around to watch it, since I considered going home after Traitor. Thank goodness. "Mirrors" was stupid and ridiculous overall, but it was solid f'ing entertainment son, and had a good creepy look/art direction to it, and a few good "jump!" moments. I wish they had more movies like this at the Cheap Cinema. Actually Somewhat Recommended!

THE DARK KNIGHT: Pretty Good. Watchable. Not Superawesome. Not DVDBuyable. But worth-watching-once. It was really long, so I don't know if I'm actually going to use it as a "Time-Killing Device" and see it again and again like I said I would. I think I'd have to wait a few months before I didn't Not-want to see it again. But it honestly wasn't bad. Heath Ledger was honestly very good, as was Aaron Eckhart. The dialogue was well-written and often very intense, talking about pretty deep internal conflicts. Parts of the actual story/plot seemed thrown together, though. I mean the part with the Asian guy and the money laundering. The part about Batman having to become the type of hero Gotham needs vs deserves was great though, albeit that was actually more of a statement on motives/internal conflicts than a Plot Device Per Se. Not much left for me to say. Stop making movies over 2 hours long, people.

THE LOST WEEKEND: I like-liked this one. I love a movie about alcohol, alcoholics, and alcoholism. Barfly, Leaving Las Vegas, Beerfest, hell. If alcohol is a large part of the movie, I'm gonna be biased towards it. This one shocked audiences of the 1950s with its "unflinching, realistic" portrayal of a Real Drinker. Ray Milland did have his cheesy moments, but surprisingly few. I found his performance very believable and enjoyable. Some of the dialogue isn't so realistic, but that was ok, as it gave what I felt was an honest glimpse of the drinker's mind, to try to answer the eternal question: "WHY do they drink?" Plus it wasn't too long and the theremin in the musical score was cool. I'd absolutely watch it again, and I might even pay up to $5 to buy a DVD of it for the permanent collection.


THINGS I LIKE

I was gonna post a youtube video of Tom Waits "Blue Skies" NOT the stripped down version from "The Early Years vol 2" but the Stereo, full-band version that sounds like it was recorded during a session for one of his first 2 proper albums. They do not have this on Youtube and I don't feel like uploading it, because last time I uploaded a TW song, it was deleted. Anyway, "Blue Skies" is a great song, and could have only been written by Young Tom Waits, and perfect proof of why I love this guy and his music.

Fuckit. Here's a xtra-heart-string-pulling version of "Jersey Girl."



There's this absolutely ridiculous band called "Trial of the Bow" which was birthed from the ashes of the peerless diSEMBOWELMENT. diSEMBOWELMENT stood alone in the Metal world because they were The first Metal band to successfully "mash-up" Extreme (Doom) Metal with Atmospheric/World music (think DEAD CAN DANCE). They pulled it off surprisingly well. Trial of the Bow, then, is basically diSEMBOWELMENT minus the metal, and them taking the DCD Approach 100%. TotB's stuff has been remarkably hard to find Even in this era of Torrents and Rars, but every so often I do a little investigation, and finally today I came across and pirated their discography. Of course, they deserve my money, but, uh, I'm pretty sure these guys are making waaay more money with their Professional, Graduate-Degreed Day Jobs than I am right now. Besides, Trial of the Bow is long-gone now anyway. But this is Chill-as Nighttime Music. Good for some Spl*ff Action too. A MUST LISTEN for every diSEMBOWELMENT fan, and pretty damn enjoyable for fans of DCD etc. But it has a little more twanging and droning, and more of that drum that makes that "dank cavernous bwooomp" sound. Tabla? Dayum!

I like about myself that I have owned actual albums by THERGOTHON for over eight years. I'm the bee's knees.


BUKOWSKI POYEM O' THE POST

this then

it's the same as before
or the other time
or the time before that.
here's a cock
and here's a cunt
and here's trouble.

only each time
you think
well now I've learned:
I'll let her do that
and I'll do this,
I no longer want it all,
just some comfort
and some sex
and only a minor
love.

now I'm waiting again
and the years run thin.
I have my radio
and the kitchen walls
are yellow.
I keep dumping bottles
and listening
for footsteps.

I hope that death contains
less than this.

GHEY SURVHEY

Thinkers Take this survey

If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I would most certainly say, "Ha, Ha, Ha, but excuse me, Doc, but didn't you notice my huge dangling BLACK COCK swinging down yonder? You must have gone to Princeton! Don't you know that MEN with BLACK COCKS so big they have an ELBOW can't medically, anatomically GET preggerz?"

When was the last time you flew in a plane? I think it was March 2002. Pretty sweet School Field Trip.

What did the last text message you sent say? Probably something about a movie at the Cheap Cinema.

What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
1. Not Dumb 2. Not Boring 3. Not Ungetituptoable

What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Take a class, kiss some ass. Previous to that, though, I'm looking forward to getting a damn paycheck.

Shoe size? I've got BIG HANDS. My COCK has an ELBOW. YOU do the math.

Been to Mexico? No, I've not. I'm not into getting social diseases off troglodytic vacuumheads. Yawn. Drooop.

When is the last time you had a massage?
I probably got a homoerotic shoulder rub from some Dude within the past year, if that counts.

What was the last TV show you watched?
The Office, Season 2 DVD Thx. Where Jim has a party at his house and Angela and Dwight make-out and Michael is extraordinarily excruciating and shoots everyone in his improv class.

What are your plans for the weekend?
Today being Saturday. For the remainder of the weekend, I'd like to do something social yet low-key tonight; possibly sneaking whiskey into a chillpub and having Deep Conversations with my Manfriends. Tomorrow I would like to get out of the house in some capacity and do something Chill and Low Key and Non-Drunken.

If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
My WHAT?

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Slayer HELL AWAITS tape, pair o' swim trunks, box o' lo-sodium chicken-flavoured rice-a-roni

What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Fitfully sleeping with strange dreams, thx

If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be?
Emily Osment also passes The Catholic Test too, it's my pleasure to inform you.

Have you ever been to a strip club?
Indeed. I mentioned it a few posts ago. I didn't feel I was personally a good "fit" for that working environment.

What is the best ice cream flavor?
I don't eat much ice cream any more. Back in the day I was fond of "Superman," and esp of "Blue Moon." I think the "Blue Moon" colour/flavour was the reason I liked "Superman" so much, cause it was somewhere in there amongst the rainbow of fruity flavours. I think the last Ice Cream I ate was at least a year ago and was some "Triple Chocolate Fudge Chunk" Ben and Jerry's or something. Something Obscenely Chocolatey. Just to see what the Ladies keep Raving about. And, ya know, I might have to switch back to Blue Moon. (It's that Really Blue one.)

What is the last sporting event you watched?
I watched about 1 minute of the Michigan/Northwestern Football Match earlier today. Yawn.

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
I responded to a comment from this one young man. He plays a mean geetar.

Ever go camping?
If you could call sleeping in tents, and sitting around a fire drinking beer until people pass-out in front of the fire, yes. There was usually some manner of running water/bathroom nearby, though, so it wasn't too rustic. Also, I fucking hate mosquitoes.

What did your last text say? Uh You already asked that question VACUUMHEAD

Where is your mom right now?
Out eating dinner with my father. I really didn't feel like going with them because I'm not that good at conversations. Might be getting some soup out of the deal though ftw.

What color is your watch?
I do not have a watch. I was thinking about getting a cheap wristwatch so I could time my Brisk Jogs for EXACTLY 20 minutes. Because I think the Brisk Jog Route I'm currently doing is only about 14 minutes. Not ideal for the ol' circulatory sys.

Last phone call?
Actually, to the scumbags at Blockbuster in regards to a phonecall they gave me in regards to a part-time position they may be interviewing for. Whoa. There's a surprise. Now I need to wait for them to call back. AGAIN.

Are you allergic to anything? Dander, Pollen. Never used to be. This is how you grow old.

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Black Flip Flops, Black Reeboks.

What is one thing you have learned about life recently?
1. BE COOL, FOOL
2. One Strike and You're Out
3. Use words like "multitasking" and "clear communication" and "delegating" and "initiative"
4. Send Thank-You Letters Out Immediately After the Interview and Be Sure to Wish Them Well in Their "CANDIDATE SEARCH"
5. If you don't rape the woman within 5 minutes of meeting her, she'll think you're not interested in her. BE ASSERTIVE AND CONFIDENT AND DECISIVE. RAPE FTW.
6. Drinking 6 or more drinks makes one ridiculously crabby the next day
7. Pineapple Express was suuuch a terrible piece of shite.
8. Hannah Montana Movie. April 10. Be there, or be roadkill!

Do you own an iPod?
I don't, but I would obviously like to, because I have the best playlist of anyone I know. And it would be great to listen to great music in the car. But I do not have a new enough version of windows to support iTunes or an iPod. Nor do I have the income to dispose on such technological frivolities.

Do any of your friends have children? If they did, they would cease being my friends by default.
What do you do at work? HA!

Who was your last kiss?
A while ago, I was raging drunk and ragingly drunkenly drove a raging drunk girl home and she convinced me to raging-drunkenly kiss her in the car. This is actually the g-d's truth.

How did you get one of your scars?
I got raging drunk and fell off a boat into the lake, smashing my chin on the edge of the boat ftw.

What is your moms name? I'm not going to put my mother's name on the INTERNET! Although I bet you 5 bucks I could use the Internet to find YOUR Mother's name!

Are you ticklish? I just tried tickling myself to find out, and apparently not.

Ever cried for no reason?
Thank you no, but I'm not a WOMAN. When I cry, it's to actually EXPRESS EMOTION.

Ever broken a bone? No.
Do you have any piercings? JESUS CHRIST NO.

Have you ever changed clothes while driving? I have taken off my shirt so I could enjoy the pleasure of driving-with-my-shirt-off on a warm summer's day, but I've not necessarily "changed" clothes.

Have you ever cleaned up someone elses vomit?
Nope, but I wouldn't be surprised if somebody else had cleaned up mine!

What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds? Double Hamburger, xtra catsup

Can you do the Crank Dat dance? You mean the Soulja Boy Tell 'Em Superman Dat Ho Dance? I thought you just make Heisman stances and do "jizzum-flinging" gestures.

What is your favorite color to wear? Black is Beautiful. And Versatile!

What is the longest plane ride you have ever been on? Like 12 hours. Transatlantic, baby.

What is the longest road trip you have ever taken?
I don't recall riding in a car any further than Chicago, or Upstate New York. Really should have gone to NYC, though.

What are your turn-offs? The Vast Majority of Women.

What was your 1st alcoholic beverage? That is a GREAT Question. It was almost certainly a Beer of some sort, but my First Real Memories of Drinking and Getting Actually Drunk, was when I was 15 and we were "Experimenting" with: Southern Comfort, Jager, Pucker. No, NOT all mixed together, schmuck.

What was your last alcoholic beverage? I had a pumpkin beer at the local brewpub last night.

What are you craving right now? A little tenderness. Come on. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.






Have a nice week, Sinister Readers.



ps On Sunday I turn 26,000,000 Aeons Old. So I might go out on the town Saturday Night if anyone wants to get physically, spiritually, mentally, verbally, and emotionally Ripped To Shreds by Hurricane von Classwar. BOOOYEAH SON!
pps If I end up drunkenly, viciously raping anybody (women!), then please take that as a compliment. I only viciously rape women I think are pretty.
ppps no-one can spend the night at my house but me. Either I spend the night at your house, or you're drunk-driving back to your house. Or both.